Post Abortion: Regrets of Women who had an Abortion

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Stories continued from first page. Stories submitted 2000

Received October 2000
I am writing this as an effort to help someone who is considering an abortion. Don't do it! Turn and run from all the people who are telling you this is the way! I promise you it is not! Please read the stories on this web page and believe every written word.

I am 28 years old. 9 months ago I did the most unimaginable thing. I aborted my baby. And as I sit here today, I think about the wonderful gift from God that I would be holding and caring for. See one thing they forget to tell you about abortion is that it is not over when the procedure ends. The abortion will last always. I yearn every day for that child that I thought I did not want or could not have at this time in my life. I want to hold my baby and I want to kiss my child's sweet face. The only thing that gets me by is knowing that my child is holding Jesus's hand and that along with the Lord my baby forgives me. The tough part is in forgiving myself.

When I decided to abort my child I was not even myself. I had just gotten married. I had been pro-life since I can remember. I grew up in the church and preached about the atrocities of abortion. However, I was not truly with the Lord, and Satan knew it. My husband and I had just been through hell with his family. He is the baby and they did not know how to let him go. They had not accepted me and were horrible during the Wedding. Though my family was very supportive and overjoyed about the marriage I was broken down by his. I was not myself and feeling very insecure. I was trying anything I possibly could to make his family like and accept me.

Then, I forgot to take my pills for two days. I knew immediately that I was pregnant. I just knew it. Well instead of the joy that should have come from the wonderful gift that God had given me and my husband, fear set in. I did not know what to do. I was so upset with myself for forgetting to take my pills, I felt like it was all my fault. Not realizing or allowing myself to realize that God decided when a woman gets pregnant. Though it was my responsibility to take my pills, the Lord knew about that pregnancy the day I was born. Well I was so fearful of what my husbands family was going to think, I was the first one to bring up abortion. Me the pro-lifer. I think about that evening when we discussed it and I remember feeling like it was someone else having the conversation and i was watching from above screaming no! It was such a blur.

The next day after we confirmed from a home pregnancy test that I was pregnant we went to planned parenthood just to make sure. I will never forget the wonderful woman who counseled us. She was an angel and we ignored her. She tried to tell us that this was a gift from God. I never expected this from Planned Parenthood. She was doing everything in her power to show us the light. And instead of seeing what God was doing we got mad at this woman. We decided it was none of her business and she had no idea what our situation was. Which I still do not understand what our situation was? What was so hard about having a child? For me it was the fear of what my in-laws would think.

So, we made the fateful decision to kill our child. And if anything I was more forceful about it than my husband. Me, again the pro-lifer. So we made an appointment. When we went in, it was so easy. The people in the office were so nice. Never once did they discuss with me the emotional side effects of the abortion. I was only 4 weeks along, so they told me I could have a medical abortion. The doc assured me that there would be no side affects (physical side affects that is). He even told me about women who had had 3 -4 abortions medically. A thought that then comforted and validated me, it now makes me cry. I was given a shot to stop the development of my child. Simple, painless, easy. The next few days were a blur. I would not even allow myself to think about the unborn child that I had just killed inside of my uterus. I drank and smoked for 3 days straight. Then I went in for my next appointment where they put a powdery substance in my uterus to cause me to have a miscarriage. Again the staff was so friendly, everything seemed so peaceful. I went home and waited. At first there was no pain. Then a little bleeding started. Then it began. Pain like I have never felt before. The cramping was unreal. The pain pills that I was prescribed did not even touch the pain. I was bleeding all over the place. Every time I went to the bathroom I was so afraid that I would see the embryo in the toilet I did not even look. My husband did not know what to do I was wailing and thriving in pain. The pain was not just physical either. All at once I woke up from that terrible sleep and the realization of what I had done hit me. I screamed and could not stop screaming. All I wanted to do was to go back ... to stop the process and I couldn't. The doc told me that when I aborted the baby it would be the size of a grape. To this day I can eat or look at a grape. I will never forget when I felt my baby fall in to the toilet. I knew at that very moment what had just happened. That moment plays over and over again in my mind. Every month when I have my period I am reminded of the horrible cramping that I went through that night and several weeks after. My body has not been the same since. I have had physical problems in my uterus ever since.

But the worst has been the emotional damage that the abortion has caused. The guilt is like nothing I can explain. Knowing that I killed our child because I was afraid of what someone would think about me...crazy! The slightest thing can make me cry. I can not make decisions, my self esteem is shot. My husband and I have struggled. He can not understand what I am going through and we have had to deal many times with my horrible mood swings and severe depression. We started to go to church 1 month ago and are going to start abortion counseling this month. We will fight this with the help and guiding hand of Jesus. But I also know that I will deal with this for the rest of my life.

PLEASE....think about what you are doing. PLEASE. Abortion is not a quick fix and it is not an easy answer. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY and then listen. The Lord will support you and he will take care of you and your child. Anonymous

Received October 2000
I just want to let all the women out there know that having an abortion is not the easy way out it is the hardest!

I fell pregnant this year in June and my boyfriend was very determined to terminate the baby, although I had grown very attached to my baby. He was not comforting at all what I really wanted him to say was "ok lets give it ago, we can manage" but all I got was "I'm not ready to be a dad!"

It made me feel ill, i had not made up my mind about how I felt about the whole situation but still it was as though I didn't have a choice anyway.

My mum phoned the clinic and booked an appointment without even letting me know, I was furious, but still it made my boyfriend happy!

I went to the clinic on the 16 August 2000 they told me that I was only 8 weeks and that I wouldn't have to have the surgical operation, so I had the abortion pill instead. The pain in my stomach was immense, I remember so clearly sitting in the hospital room waiting for my baby to fall out of me!

By this time I really needed to go to the toilet, the nurse put a pan over the toilet just incase my baby fell out when I was going a wee. I remember seeing lots of blood thinking that it was all over! So i went back to my room and sat down upon the bed, my stomach was hurting so much. The nurse came into my room and told me to have a walk about, because the baby still hadnt come out. I was in tears surely there couldnt be anymore I was thinking to myself.

So I got up and had a walk around when I felt a pain in my stomach, so i quickly went to the toilet, i sat down with the pan beneath me, then there below me I saw what would have been my baby, I can't explain the hurt and pain and how much I cried, but to see your unborn baby lying in a pan beneath you really is the worst possible thing inthe world!!!!!

I will remember this day for the rest of my life, i was the worst. So please before anyone out there gets an abortion, don't do it to make other people happy, think about yourself first, and what you want, dont let people pressure you in to doing something you dont want to do!!!
Anonymous

Received October 2000
I was 21 when i got pregnant. It was at the end of last December. I was taking birth control pills, and I screwed them up. I was feeling very unsure about how I was feeling. I kinda thought I may be pregnant even before my period was supposed to come. I knew this girl at my old job that was around my age and had a child. I started asking her about the symptoms of pregnancy. Everything she told me sounded like my situation... the crapping and feeling sick and tired. I took a pregnancy test in early January and it was positive. I was petrified and went to work. My boyfriend called me at work I told him I needed to talk to him after work and he knew I was worried and guessed that I was pregnant. I told him yes. I was in shock. My mom had always lectured her daughter about staying virgins until we were married. She was always very strict. I was petrified to tell her about the baby. I made my b/f promise not to tell her. My b/f told his parents and they didn't have much of an opinion about it. When something goes bad in my life... I push it to the back of my mind and try not to think about it. My b/f also proposed to me. I told him I didn't want to marry him because I knew that he was just asking me because of me being pregnant. My b/f and I went to a few doctors appointments... I had originally wanted an abortion when I first found out I was pregnant... but did not think about it much.

I realized to that people are very opinionated. The girl that I had talked to at my work is very Christian. I did not realize she would react the way she did. One night she cornered me and started to go at me not to have an abortion. She had a picture of her son when he was in the womb she showed it to me. She told me her son was caring it around today. She says she did not know where it came from but she knew that it was a sign that I should not get an abortion. She also went to her church and talked to some people about me. Someone gave her a blank check to give to me. I was totally ashamed and told her I did not want the check. To this day this girl can barely even look at me.

Finally it was time to go get the abortion. I remember asking my b/f if this is really what he wanted. He didn't give me much of an answer. I just thought that there was no way I could raise this child on my own so I did not tell him that I wanted to keep the child. I had a feeling already that it was going to be a girl and I had already picked out a name for it. I barely remember the procedure. I cried all the way through it. I remember a lot of pain and I remember screaming. I remember apologizing to the doctor for what I put her through. In my mind I all I was doing was putting myself in the doctors place and wondering how she could even do her job.

After the abortion for like a month... one minute I would be laughing and the next minute just crying. I would cry pretty much every night. My b/f was also having his problems too. He got really terrified of commitment and our relationship. He cheated on me... I meet the girl. I gave him back the engagement ring. For like the next 2 month... he was seeing both me and the other girl. I could not let him go. I loved him soooooo much. Then I ended up sitting down and talking to the girl. We got everything straightened out.

Then my mom then kicked me out of her house. I called up my b/f and he had me move in with him and his dad. I was living there and things were improving. Then like a month after I moved in with him he told me he loved me. I had not heard him say that since when I first got pregnant. I would tell him I loved him and he would say I know. Towards of the end of august we moved out of his dad's place and got an apartment of our own again. I am much happier. Been with him now for like 2 years and 3 months. I am still sad though. My birthday was September 21. The baby would have been born around my birthday. For the longest time I have had problems being around children. I feel horrible and guilty. I catch myself shopping and looking and baby clothes. I found the cutest pair of little baby girl navy dress shoes. I was looking at them thinking that I would have wanted my baby to have them. Then I almost started to cry right there in the store. Another thing that made last month hard is that I have been on the depo shot. My depo ran out last month. I did not want to get another shot. I wanted to try to make another baby to replace the old one. Then I started thinking about my b/f and I knew he is not ready for that type of commitment yet so I didn't say anything about it to him. I just went and got my shot.

I just want to let anyone that is thinking about abortion... to think twice. I will probably regret what I have done for the rest of my life. If you are pregnant and do not want the baby.... Let some else that wants a child to have and adopt your baby.
Anonymous

Received Septemer 2000
I want to give you my abortion testimony. On November 16, 1989, I allowed an abortionist to take my child's life. I was 18 and a senior in high school. My mom took me to our local Planned Parenthood for a pregnancy test, and when it came back positive, my mom became enraged. The lady that took the test asked me what I wanted to do and my mom said, "She's getting an abortion!". I never had a chance to say anything. When we were going home, I started crying, and my mom looked at me with disgust in her eyes and told me to shut up. That she should be the one crying because I was ruining her life by getting pregnant out of wedlock and still in school. She was so ashamed of me and so afraid of her friends and family finding out. She and my dad both made me feel like dirt. I thought that if I just went ahead and had the abortion, that things would go back to the way they used to be. I was so stupid! So naive! I had no clue as to what kind of hell I would go through for the rest of my life. I was told by my mom and the people at the abortion clinic that it was just a blood clot. I found out a few months later by seeing the movie "Silent Scream", in which an abortion is shown through an ultra sound, that it was actually a baby. I was horrified! I knew in that moment that I committed cold-blooded murder.

That was 11 years ago. Since then, I have gotten married, had two more children, and given my life to Jesus. I know that He has forgiven me for what I have done, but I still need to work on forgiving myself. Every year, about a month or two before the anniversary of my abortion, I become extremely depressed. I think about my baby every day. I have nightmares about dead babies and I'm searching through them trying to find mine. I also have dreams of running around in the dark looking for a baby that is screaming and crying. I have seen two different counselors about dealing with my abortion and I am getting better every day, but I know that I will live with the pain for the rest of my life. I have the comfort, though, of seeing my baby when I get to heaven. I look forward to that day with great anticipation. In the meantime, I am taking classes for counseling girls with unexpected pregnancies and sometime in the future, I hope to be an abortion counselor. I feel God's calling in that ministry strongly. He wants me to use my experience to help others on both ends. I also pray that my testimony here will touch another girl's life in some small way.

If anyone would like to e-mail me, please feel free to. I will respond. Kim GKYates@sigecom.net

Received August 2000
When I was 17 years old I found out that I was 8 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend with whom I was "shacking up" was a 24-year old physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic. I decided to keep the pregnancy a secret until I was beyond 12 weeks pregnant knowing that he would want an abortion and I mistakenly thought that this was the maximum gestation for having one. When I did tell him, he was furious and insisted that the child be aborted as soon as possible. I told him that it was too late to have one and he informed me that the clinic in fact performs abortions up to 16 weeks of gestation.

This news broke my heart. I did not want to kill this baby, but my co-dependence and addiction to this man won out. I finally made an appointment with the abortion clinic. When the day arrived, my parents (who are now very much pro-life) picked me up for the drive. My boyfriend refused to accompany me, telling me it was a "simple procedure" and I would "be in and out quickly." It was a long, terrible drive, I remember crying all the way up. This was the last thing in the world that I wanted to do, so why was I going along with it just to keep this man in my life? Why didn't I just leave him and stop living this awful life of sin, completely void of morals and ethics? All I could think about was the size of the baby, what it must weigh and the level of development it was at. I had already begun to feel a bond with this tiny life inside me. I felt like my whole world was caving in and everybody around me just wanted to me to get rid of this problem. I should have said no but I was too weak and dependent.

When we arrived at the abortion clinic, my mother and I were directed to a waiting room that was packed full of young girls. Everything seemed surreal. Even though each of these girls was about to commit the same atrocity as I was, I couldn't help thinking, "I don't belong here." I just cried through the whole wait. As each minute passed, I kept hoping that the medical staff would run out of time and have to send me away.

But, eventually I was called in and given a small written questionnaire whose purpose was to ensure that I was certain of this decision. I slowly checked off the answers, crying and trembling with fear and horror. I was sure that my obvious mental state would force them to reject me. They had told me over the telephone that due to the seriousness of this act, if they had any indication that I was not prepared to proceed, they couldn't allow me to do so. I remember being so surprised that this wasn't even considered. My mental state obviously didn't matter to them, they were only interested in one thing.

Instead of counseling me about the procedure and my emotional condition, they gave me some "pills" that they said would "calm my nerves." Then I went into the room where my child's fate would lie. There were many horrible looking surgical tools laid out on a table beside the bed. The doctor and nurses entered the room and none of them really talked to me at all; they seemed rather hurried, almost annoyed with me. One nurse bitterly told me to, "calm down, everything will be fine." I felt like a burden to them.

There was a drape covering my legs, but I could see the doctor moving about quickly and roughly. I could feel a lot of cramping in my abdomen and I realized that it was the sharp tools ripping apart my child. I imagined them first removing the arms, then the legs and the head. Then, I watched as a vacuum machine with a tube attached to it began sucking out the pieces of this little body. The tube was actually clear so I could see a tremendous amount of blood and clumpy masses passing through it. The pain was unspeakable, both physically and emotionally. The machine was loud and the suction made the most gruesome sound that I will never forget. I would rather listen to the sound of a dentist's drill in my ear for eternity than to hear that sound ever again for even a moment; the gruesome sound of a baby being sucked from its' mother's womb.

The procedure took a significant amount of time, and I found out the reason why after it was over. With sarcasm, the apathetic doctor told me, "Well, you were a lot further along than 16 weeks." It turns out that I was actually 18 to 20 weeks pregnant.

A nurse then told me that I could use an adjacent bathroom to clean up. I slid off the bed and felt so weary, in shock and in pain that my mother had to hold me up. As I slowly made my way toward the bathroom, I looked down and saw a drop of my blood about the size of a half-dollar fall to the floor. Seeing that blood clarified what I had done and I will never forget it. That was all that was left of my child. That was it.

I discarded my baby at a clinic of death that night, brutally murdered and left to rot in a sink. That child did not deserve that heinous murder. They told me the recovery time would be a couple of days with some mild cramping and light bleeding. Well, this was totally downplayed, when in fact there were several days of significant abdominal pain and an extraordinary amount of bleeding, so much that I had to wear diapers for a week. It's funny, they informed me about the cost of the abortion and the amount of time it should take to be completed, but what they didn't tell me about was the nightmares I would have for months afterwards or the tremendous shame that I would feel. They didn't tell me that I would be riddled with guilt and regret for the rest of my life and fear of being able to give a healthy birth in the future. The guilt, shame and fear that I feel are minute compared to the brutality that I condemned my unborn child to, but it's odd how the Pro-Choicer's illustrate this horror as a simple procedure when the truth is that it is nothing short of a brutal massacre of a human life.

I will now have to live with the choice I made for the rest of my life. I allowed a "doctor of death" to enter my womb, literally tear my child apart and suck it out of my body. This baby never had a chance to smile, dream, laugh or cry. His or her life was savagely snuffed out. Is this what Pro-Choice means? That you have the choice to have your unborn human baby diced up and violently sucked out of your body and down a sink drain?

The sole purpose of that abortion clinic is to murder human babies, herding women through like cattle, not so far off from what Hitler did in WWII. They did not halt the procedure upon observing my obvious mental state proving that there was absolutely no concern for this irreversible decision that I was about to undertake. They were cold and ill mannered during the procedure.

Women have been so blessed by God with the most beautiful gift of being the caretaker of life; unfortunately the world has given them the right to end life. This should not be a right of women but rather illegal as it is cold-blooded murder in the first degree.

I am now 29 years old, married to a loving, devoted husband and have a beautiful little girl whom I treasure with all my heart. And on May 21 of this year, I gave my heart to Christ. I was saved and delivered from evil. My Lord forgave me of my sins and for the first time in my life, I am truly happy. It will continue to be a journey of healing, but now that I have Christ in my life, everything is possible. He has given me an Amazing Grace and a new life. He's also given me immeasurable strength, love and guidance. Although the sin I committed on March 15, 1989 remains fresh in my mind, my old life also seems a distant memory as I embark on my walk with Jesus.
Please post my story and I pray that women will read it and it will change the mind of a woman considering abortion and/or change the view of a pro-choicer. I have no problem at all with anybody contacting me via e-mail.
In Christ, Cynthia Greenwood
acblg@juno.com

Received August 2000
It's been just over a year since my abortion, and believe it or not, I was only 16 at the time. Before the doctor told me, I already knew I was pregnant. My boyfriend, whom I had been dating for about 3 months, has a daughter already from a previous relationship, so when I told him that I was pregnant, he totally neglected the fact and acted like what I had just told him meant nothing. His ex-girlfriend kept the baby as a threat to keep them together, so when I told him I was pregnant, he couldn't handle it, especially being 19 with one kid and one on the way. By the time my abortion appointment came around, I was about 3 months pregnant, and of course being young and stupid, I thought, "who cares, it's not murder", and was I wrong. When I went to the hospital to get the procedure done, all the doctors treated me like crap, stared me down, none of them would even speak to me, they were just there to get the job done, and didn't care about your feelings. They sent me into a room where I was put on an operation table, 2 doctors, 2 nurses, and me. They didn't talk to me at all, I had never felt so disgusted in my life, I hated myself. The procedure took about 20 min. then I was taken back to the recovery room where my two best friends were waiting for me. I was put under anesthetic, so when I finally came to, I had no control over myself, I woke up balling my eyes out, calling for my friends, it was the worst feeling ever. The thing is, I had been pro-choice for a long time, even after my abortion, I kept saying to myself, "I had to, I was too young, I wasn't ready". But let me tell you, you think the emotional pain is bad right after, the long-term pain is worse. Every day that has passed has turned me from pro-choice to pro-life, and every day that has passed, I hate myself even more. I was just an ordinary girl, I thought all of this would just pass by, but it didn't. Everyday I wonder what my child would've looked like, it's hair colour, it's eyes, and it kills me, especially when I need comfort and my friends say, "I could imagine what it feels like to have one done" , and some don't see what the big deal is. They will never understand what it feels like to wake up every morning with it in your mind, feeling disgusted and ashamed of yourself, the guilt, the pain, the regret. Every time I see a baby, I stare at them and I can't help it, I feel so bad, and I wonder what my life would've been like. So for anyone who is considering an abortion, just remember that all of us are ordinary people like you, we all write about our stories so that you can learn from our mistakes and save yourself from the shame that we feel. So please, reconsider, at least think about adoption, because living your life in shame and regret is not the way to live.
Anonymous

Received August 2000
IN MEMORY OF MY SON/DAUGHTER WHO NEVER WAS ALLOWED TO LIVE.
Everyday I think about what my baby would have looked like. I think about what he or she could or would have been. I think about when the baby would have been born and I think about how my daughter would have had a playmate. What makes me feel worse is that I visited this website just days before I had the procedure done.

I just couldn't have the baby. My daughter is only six months old now. By the time my other child would have been born, she would only be a year old. But now I see that I'd rather struggle the rest of my life than kill my baby.

The sound of the machine is haunting. Though I was awake throughout the whole thing, I felt no physical pain. Only mental. And the mental is enough to drive me crazy for the rest of my life.

Feel Free to e-mail me anybody who wants to talk. TishaTiara@aol.com

Received July 2000
I don't think I want to dedicate this, I just hope maybe it will make a difference.

I was 19 years of age living in Italy with my boyfriend and turned out pregnant. I was scared to death, like anyone that age is when they get pregnant. I thought I was not ready, I though I could not handle it, I was really depressed. I moved back home to the United States and had an abortion- or if you want to put it- I murdered my baby.

Still 31/2 years later, not a day passes without thinking about my baby. I think about the sexes or what if it had a really important purpose that only god new. I still cry. I still cannot see myself truly and good.

I am now 22, married to the same boyfriend and have a beautiful little 9 mo. baby girl. I look at her sometimes and think of what I did. I am very ashamed of myself, cause this is the one thing that will never be forgiven or forgotten. She could have had a brother or sister.

If I was more informed about the facts, if I only new then what I know now- My options would never included an adoption.

So please of you are thinking about abortion, please think again long and hard. If you choose to, it will be the worse decision you will ever make.
Anonymous

Received July 2000
Here is my story, please consider it for your website so that women who think abortion is a good option may rethink their choices.

I have always thought myself pro-choice and thought the pro-lifers were wrong. But after my first and only abortion 9 weeks ago, I have an entirely different view. My story is strange because for more than a year, my spouse and I were trying to get pregnant. Our only child, now 3, was born 7 weeks early and even though we knew there were risks, we so wanted just one more baby. But, when infertility treatment got more serious, we consulted with a specialist who said we had an 80-90% chance of only getting to 33 weeks again. We stopped infertility treatment and stupidly didn't use any birth control. I was amazed to be pregnant and very afraid. My husband and I went back and forth, trying to decide what was best. I even backed out of my first abortion appointment but 1 week later went ahead. I never knew how terrible a choice that would be.

The procedure was much more painful than the clinic said, I was practically screaming, nothing has ever hurt so much. Even a friend who had an abortion a few years ago said "it was like going to the dentist". what a lie that was and I am not friends with her anymore. This is the worst thing a person can choose to do, I willingly killed my baby. She wasn't' taken from me, I ended her life. Because of the complications and early birth of my toddler, I missed out on all the fun and wonderful parts of being a new mother. Our baby spent 22 long days in NICU. We were so afraid of an even earlier birth and a baby with possible life-long problems. But, our regrets now are...well, there is no word to describe it. I would have taken that baby no matter what their problems may have been. I was trying to not be selfish even though I very much wanted to recapture what I had lost before. I freely walked into the clinic again, my spouse was there but said nothing. He admitted to me 1 week later about his doubts, I was just shattered and our marriage is in serious trouble.

I have taken a life. I miss my child every day and am very angry at my spouse and of course myself. Why is this a horrible secret that women keep from telling each other? I have nightmares about dead babies and then I wake up and face the real horror that I chose. Abortion is not an answer. I do not think I can ever forgive myself. If you find yourself in this position, please consider every possible alternative. Look to every reasonable source possible for moral or even financial support. I didn't think it was possible to feel so much pain and grief, knowing I let my precious baby's life be ended. And I will never stop asking myself.....why didn't I make a different decision.
Cynthia

Received March 2000
I was too upset to find out how to add my story to your list. I was 24 when I had my abortion. I had just left my husband and I didn't know what to do. I had a 3 year old son and was destitute. Ever since I have had the abortion I have been devastated by it. I have gone on to have another son and I am now due in May with my third. I saw the pictures on your site and I can't believe I let being scared let me murder my child. I would do anything to go back now and change things.

I want to scream when I see Pro Choice commercials, the ones that really get me are the ones with the daughter on the bike. It makes me think that we are telling our children it's ok don't be responsible for your actions. I will let my children know exactly what it means to have an abortion. And also teach them to abstain and birth control.

I wish that I could have known more 4 years ago. When I went to the clinic they told me what they were going to do, but they never showed me what they were doing it to. I believe anyone that wants an abortion should have to hear the heartbeat and see a sonogram. They should try to talk you out of it first tell you your options, but they don't.

I have 4 years of pain built up inside of me and I want it to go away. But it never will it will always be there and I deserve that for what I have done.
Melissa

Received February 2000
As I sit here writing this at one o'clock in the morning, I'm trying to analyze why I've left this page until last. Denial isn't a factor at this point, I've come to a realization of what I've done. I think a little more about it and I come to the conclusion: I think about my abortion, the pregnancy, and the baby; often, probably on a daily basis. But when I think about all those things, I never think about everything all together. Any time that these scenes play in my mind, from when I found out I was pregnant to the present moment in time, I cry. It's difficult to think about any one event, but when they all come together, the pain is immense. So now here is My Story.

I am a twenty-eight year old single Mother of a beautiful eight year old son. When I found out I was pregnant with him, I was upset and scared, but I always felt like I could handle things. I did for a very brief time consider both adoption and abortion, but once I told my family, and I knew that I had their love and support, I never thought about it again.

The last eight years have not been easy for us. I've had to work very hard to give my son the life that he deserves. I put myself through college while I cared for him. I graduated on my twenty-fifth birthday.

In early September of this year, I wasn't feeling well. A few days before I'd eaten at a picnic. I assumed the nausea and vomiting was from some food that was cooked improperly. Near the end of the week, the vomiting had subsided.

I had dinner with a friend. The nausea afterwards was vaguely familiar. I decided to do a pregnancy test, just to "set my mind at ease." My menstrual cycle can be irregular so, I wasn't worried.

I still remember the panic when I saw the second line appear on the test. The tears started rolling down my cheeks immediately. In hindsight, I don't think I even gave myself enough time to think. I opened the phone book that night and found a phone number for a clinic several hours away.

This clinic offered a procedure called a non-surgical, or medical abortion. The woman on the other end of the phone was very nice and caring. She explained the procedure to me. She told me the pain and bleeding would be like a heavy period. I would get a sonogram at the clinic and if my pregnancy was early enough, I would receive a shot to "stop tissue growth." A few days later, I would use some vaginal suppositories that would cause me to miscarry. She made it sound so easy. I made my appointment for the following Saturday.

I confided in my sister-in-law, and she arranged an appointment for me at a local crisis pregnancy center. While I was there, I had a sonogram that told me I was about six and a half weeks. I really couldn't see much on the sonogram and I really couldn't see how deep in crisis I was. I was not thinking as clearly as I thought I was. I remember telling the woman there my hundreds of reasons why I couldn't have this baby. I didn't know then that they had heard them all before. Finances, marriage, health, work; I had so many reasons. I really needed someone to pull me aside and tell me that they knew I could do it, but no one did.

As I told my boyfriend about the baby that evening, he was just as upset and confused as I was. After a few days to think things over, he told me that he didn't think we should keep the baby. I was devastated. If I would have had his support, I would have continued the pregnancy. The thought of raising two children by myself terrified me. I kept telling myself that I couldn't do it alone.

As I kept my appointment, my drive to the clinic that day was the longest of my life. I was scared. When I arrived at the clinic, I had all the normal blood work done. My counseling session was short. They never really discussed any of the possible physical and emotional complications. I had a quick sonogram and then received a shot of methrotrexate. This is a drug that is used for cancer treatment, it stops cell growth. After the shot, I came home.

In next few days, I really don't remember. I tried not to think a lot about what was going to happen. I spent the day on Thursday in a fog. I knew I needed to use the suppositories that day, but I tried not to think about it.

I went to bed that evening around 9pm. I used the suppositories as soon as I went to bed. I remember feeling the contractions start about half an hour later. In the beginning, they were mild, but within an hour the pain was severe. I continued contracting and bleeding most of the night. Around three in the morning, I went to the bathroom. I had been passing a lot of clots most of the evening. I assumed that the pain and pressure I was feeling was from more clots. When I stood up, I noticed that the pain and the pressure was not from clots, but from passing the placenta. When I looked in the commode, I saw laying in the center of the placenta my baby. I saw the baby's perfectly formed hands, the little fingers. I remember the scream that came from my mouth.

My actions were final at that point. Up to that moment in time, I had always considered myself pro-choice.

The last few months have been tough. The grief, depression, and anger at myself have been at times overwhelming.

I've vowed to help other women who also know this pain. Maybe someone won't hurt as much as I have.

I've started healing. A wonderful woman who understands women and the awful grief this experiences leaves behind has come into my life. God has led me to her and I only hope I can be as helpful in someone else's life. Thank-you Brenda. You will never know how deeply your compassion and caring have touched my life.

For weeks after my abortion, every time I closed my eyes I saw the vision of my aborted baby. I have been able to replace that difficult image with a vision of a beautiful blonde haired, little girl. She has blue eyes and long hair, up in a ponytail with a big contagious smile on her face. When I see her, I tell her how sorry I am. How much I love her. I beg for her forgiveness.

Emily Rose I love you, and I am sorry.

Char [HopefulHrt28@aol.com]
Web site After Abortion

Received January 2000
I would like to share my story of abortion in hopes it will deter someone from having and abortion and I hopes it will help relieve my guilt.

I am 21 years old, happily married and planning my first child with my husband. However when I was 18, just 3 short years ago, I was dating the son of a man who was very much involved with our community, getting ready to graduate and go off to college. I cheated on my boyfriend while I was on a vacation....a one night stand. I got back from my vacation knowing I had violated my relationship with my boyfriend but to make it worse I found out I was pregnant. At first I was thinking of all the ways to keep the baby even though it would change my entire life I was willing to own up to my actions.

Then one night at 3am my best friend who knew about the pregnancy called me hysterically and reminded me that only a month before we had our MMR shots for college. See when you go to college you have to have all your shots up to date and with the MMR shot you are not suppose to get pregnant within 3 months of having it because of severe birth defects. Well after instantaneous tears and what I thought was a moment of hell became a life time of hell. I scheduled an abortion.

Because my boyfriend knew I had slept with him and the other guy he would only pay for half the abortion. I had to prove to the other guy I was pregnant before he would send me his part of the "abortion money". That about ripped my heart out...it was like advertising my abortion and immaturity. I got the money got to the clinic for the abortion and then the whole situation went from bad to worse.

Outside the clinic were protestors! There were guards who came to the truck to get me and escort me in! It was a big sign from God saying "no, don't do it!". I tried to back out several times but I didn't.

I took the medicine they gave me to relax but I threw it back up because I was so nervous. The procedure hurt like hell, I cried and stared at the walls and ceiling. The sound is something I will never forget. The worse part came later though. I went into the recovery room and was in a lot of pain...they gave me more pain medicine and brought in my boyfriend. He carried me to the truck and I fell asleep. When I got home I was "ok". The first 2 days after the abortion I was "ok" but then the 3rd day hit and at 3am I started cramping severely and I couldn't walk, move anything. My boyfriend called his mom, called the hotline for the clinic. I was taking 4 Tylenol every 2 hours. Nothing helped - I still today this day remember the excruciating pain.

I thought God was punishing me by killing me!!! I got through it and went off to college and found my husband. He knows the whole "story" and he is always there for me when I cry about the abortion. Lately I've been crying because we want to have a child and I keep thinking about when I tell the Dr. it's my second child. That is a painful thought, I think about the fact that I killed my first child! Everyone tries to ease the pain by saying I "had" to have the abortion or I would have had a severely deformed and mentally retarded child but who knows those statistics for MMR shots could have been wrong! I could have been carrying a perfectly normal child! I still have tremendous guilt and always will. So if you are considering it....don't do it. I could have lived without college, I could have gone later in life. I didn't have to kill an innocent child to make my life easier.

Abortion is not easier. What would have been easier would have been adoption. At least then the child would have had a chance

Anonymous

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