Received December 1999
My story is dedicated to all females considering abortion in hopes that
they may change their mind.
I'm an 18 year old High School senior. I have many dreams of going away
to college in the fall of 2000 and pursuing a career in nursing.
In September I found out that I was pg. I was scared and most of all
didn't want my parents to find out because I didn't want to disappoint them.
So for me abortion seemed like the only option. So on October 11 I had an
abortion. (I remember a friend of mine who had a baby at 15 once telling me
that having a baby was the easy way out and she was RIGHT!!!!)
Still to this day I wish that I knew what I know now because I would have
never done it. Everyday all I want is my baby back ...I cry most of the time
and when I'm not crying I'm just acting happy.
Anytime I see a baby I just wish that I didn't kill mine (cause that's
what I did). I know that the next time I get pregnant whether it's planned or
not I will keep my baby.
I hope that any female considering an abortion as I did finds my story
and sees that it is truly not the EASY WAY OUT as some of us my think.....
My prayers go out to any female who has gone through this great tragedy.
I hope that someday we can forgive ourselves and start to heal. I also pray
for my unborn baby that he understand and forgive me.
Name Withheld
Received October 1999
At the time my story takes place, you might say I practiced "zero chastity" It's
what I knew best. It was popular back in the late sixties and early seventies. I firmly believe that practicing chastity is the first step in ending abortion. Chastity is
so much more than not having sex before or outside of your marriage as I only
thought. The Catechism of the Catholic Church explains chastity better than I ever could and I will touch on that later.
I have had abortions, but
I want to comment here that we are all post abortive. Kind of like post war. All of
us, whether we know it or not probably have a family member, a friend, a co
worker, a teammate, a schoolmate, who has aborted or who has been aborted.
Mothers who have aborted their children know up close and personally the pain of
killing their child. But there is a ripple effect as to how the pain, sorrow and
consequences of that abhorable act is felt. I have a little diagram here, which is very
popular in healing the mother in the abortion tragedy. Some of that pain will be felt
by all of us one day.
After World War II, we experienced what was called the Cold War. After
abortion, we experience what is called The Cold Heart. Many of us have come to
accept abortion as just another fact of life. Something that those people up on the
hill are always arguing about. Something that will never touch me, until you find
yourself or someone you care for involved in a crisis pregnancy and you look
around and there it looms, bigger than life, DEATH, death for your child, and
sanctioned by the highest court in the land. Choose death they say and then
everything will be just swell. So you mistakenly think!
I'd like to share what I know first hand of Choosing death and then at the end I
would be happy to answer any questions.
Before the abortions, I was living a totally rebellious life. As far, as I was
concerned, Chastity was the daughter of Sonny and Cher. It was the early seventies
and I had dropped out of college and moved to Colorado, much to my father's
dismay. I had experimented with drugs and casual sex, and not quite hitting on the
cure for my inner fear, loneliness and turmoil. I landed back on my parent's
doorstep only to run out again with a young man that I had met. We moved to
Vermont, much to my father's dismay. My father was very dismayed with his
teenage daughter. We lived there for a year. I struggled with eating disorders and
depression and my boyfriend shipped me back to my parent's house again. They
immediately admitted me to a good Catholic Psychiatric hospital in N. Y., where I
received shock therapy and 3 months of hospitalization. I was released from the
hospital and spent the next six months at my parents' home in a state of severe
depression. My mother helped to wash me, they fed me and basically let me
vegetate in front of the television set until about 6 months later, my depression
miraculously lifted. A couple months after that I met my future husband and the
father of my children. We spent a year together laughing, having fun and engaging
in premarital sex. We had made all the arrangements to be married the following
year. He had gotten a job with the DC police department and moved down with his
uncle in Silver Spring, Md. I used to visit him on some weekends and it is on one of
those weekends that I became pregnant.
Oddly enough, I was keeping track of my cycle with the billings method, which
was a natural family planning method. I was determined to be a good catholic girl.
No matter what roads I chose to reach that goal. However I think I was more
interested in the stickers that you put on the days instead of the actual date in my
cycle that was great for conception. Because of my lack of education on this matter,
I remember going off the chart with the green stickers as my period never came. I
also remember feeling hungry all the time and extremely emotional. I bought a
home pregnancy kit, did the test, saw the blue ring and told my future husband, that
he was going to be a daddy. I didn't get the warm reaction that I was expecting, as
he went through the roof, saying that I would have to get rid of it, abort it. We had
no money, we were just starting out, we had nothing. Funny, now that I think about
it. We have everything money can buy, but we have no children. I can't even
remember what I said but it must have resembled something like I won't do it and
then he laid the clincher on me. The final blow that spelled death for my firstchild.
He said he would leave me, that I would be all alone, no other man would ever want
me, I would be on welfare, and be like a friend of mine, who decided to have her
baby, my goddaughter, and was on welfare. There was a brief moment (of insanity,
I guess) that I thought that since we were getting married soon, that he was going to
be the husband and I should listen to him. In my young, confused mind, I thought
that was right. In my mind of today, I know that the devil is alive and well and will
use any means and anyone to twist us unto his image. Telling Mom and dad was out
of the question. I thought that they would kill me. Tragically, I would be taking part
in the killing. So within a month, we moved in together in Virginia. and I had made
an appointment to have our first child killed. We didn't think of it as killing. We
knew something felt dreadfully wrong, but this seemed like the right thing to do.
After all, a lot of my friends had had them, and our country said it was OK.
Smoking pot was wrong, if you chose to do it, but not if you chose to kill your child.
That is how confused I was.
The only fear I remember about the actual choice was the fear of my parents
finding out and the fear of losing my future husband. That was nothing compared to
the fear that came after the murders, and I'll touch on that in a minute.
The day of the abortion, my future husband was a real sport and drove me to the
clinic and paid for the procedure. That is what it became known as that day. He left
and said he would pick me up later. I stared around the waiting room and saw a lot
of young girls, some alone, some with a boyfriend, a husband, a friend, not many
with a mother, all of them looking scared. A young woman called me and made me
take another urine pregnancy test. She showed me into a "counseling" room. She
came back and told me that I was pregnant, took out a plastic model of a uterus and
explained how they would remove the tissue lining of the uterus. There was never
any mention of a baby,, or fetus, just the tissue that lined the uterus and how it
would be removed. She said there would probably be some cramping. She lied,
there was a lot of cramping. I was then taken to dress for the "procedure", a
standard hospital gown (it should have been black) opened in the back. It was then
my turn, there were several nurses in the room who positioned me on the table. The
doctor came in, an older man with glasses and some gray hair. The nurses had some
gray hair too! This must be OK I thought, they wouldn't lead me in the wrong
direction, they must know what they are doing. I look at my own gray hair
gradually coming in and hope it can lead other young women to choose life for their
babies. I laid down with my feet in the stirrups, I looked up at the ceiling and I
think there was a picture or a cartoon pasted up there. I don't remember what it
said, but I wished it said " Get out now!" This all seemed normal, as I had other
gyn exams. I think they gave me a local anesthetic and began dilating my cervix.
The doctor had showed me the metal rods of different sizes that would be used to
widen the cervix. I don't or won't remember the sound of the vacuum but I
remember the severe pelvic cramps and that tearing and pulling, as my child was so violently dismembered. When It was over and I got up a nurse said to me "are you alright?" I was stunned and just looked at her. I should have been screaming, but that w
ould come later. I was led to a makeshift recovery room, (cots instead ofbeds), where other girls laid, some with tears running down their face. We all laid
there in stunned silence. Not one of us uttering a word. Just wide-eyed, innocent
young girls waiting for their mommas and just having experienced the worst tragedy
of our lifetime. Before we left the clinic, we were made to sit for instruction in
contraception, showing us the various types available. My future husband never
came to pick me up. He showed up at our apartment hours later, drunk as a skunk,
with a model shipbuilding kit in his hand. I have yet to figure out that significance. I
took the bus back to Alexandria by myself in a lot of physical pain. This was only
the beginning of the aloneness, a very real side effect of abortion, which would plague
me until this day.
Hell entered my life back on December 9th, 1978 and took up an 18 year
residence. 4 more trips to the Psych ward, starting seven years after the abortion,
where doctors could not quite figure out what was wrong with me. Some of my
hospital records state that the only words they could decipher through all the
screaming was "Can you give me back my babies". I had a second abortion close
to six months after the first. I remember little about it. I died on the table with the
first one. However after many prayers, I am beginning to piece together my second
abortion, which happened sometime in April.. April 14th is the day I believe the
second abortion took place. I do not want to search the records for the exact date so
luckily Our Lord has a way of letting me know of the appropriate date. This time I
had other wonderful friends who were able to share my grief and of course, always
providing the physical presence of Christ, I gratefully had my project Rachel priests
who helped me through more than I can ever thank them for. Still the doctors could
see no connection. On another visit to the "Looney Bin", as my husband calls it, I
was put into the isolation room, and then later opened my eyes to a horrible scene.
I was being tied down in leather restraints and when the nurse injected me with
Haldol, an antipsychotic, I screamed,
" Stop sucking the life out of me" No one seemed to know what I was saying, I was
already stigmatized as "nuts" just by being there. A couple of days later when I was
talking to my nurse, he asked me why I had said that. I told him about the abortions
and he said then it made sense. Hurray, someone finally understood me. In any
event, I was diagnosed as manic-depressive and put on Lithium, a wonderful drug
which I take till this day. I had one more hospitilization, because I went off my
Lithium and it was around the time that my first child was conceived and aborted,
15 years before. No matter how hard I tried to forget about the abortions, they
found a way into my consciousness. I was fortunate enough not to make it into the
"quiet room", as it was known. I spent the next three years in a severe depression
which finally lifted when I went through the Project Rachel healing process through
my church.
I was deathly afraid of my parents finding out, about the abortions, However, I
did tell my mom years later. I held the phone to my ear and said "by the way mom,
I had two abortions, CLICK. My dad found out one day when I was engaged in a
shouting match with my mother-in-law. I screamed about the abortions and my dad
heard. He said nothing to me, but months later when my sister had given birth to my
nephew and I broke down in tears, Dad was there to console me., It's as though he
knew exactly why I was crying and only repeated "we love you" as he stroked my
back. I realized then that these people didn't want to kill me, they only wanted to
love me, and now they tried to love me through this horrendous family tragedy.
I couldn't speak about it to anyone for such a long time and if I did they all
agreed that I didn't do anything wrong. Or they told me that abortion was a good
thing. Everyone seemed to agree that abortion was AOK. A necessary evil. So I
went where I consider to be underground, emotionally. Creating my own little
space for the reality and gravity of my situation. Hence my Psychotic episodes.
When I saw the pictures of unborn babies at 9 weeks, it only added to my grief,
but it was a good way to have someone that I could visually connect with. I
clutched a big white stuffed polar bear for a lot of the physical touching that is so
necessary in the grieving process. His fur is stained with my mascara and tears.
Many years ago I had named my children, Brian, Patrick and Alyssa. I always
sensed that the second abortion killed my twins. As part of the healing I have made
a memorial to my children in a small grove of trees on our property in upstate NY .
I intend to have a small slab of marble that I found engraved with their names. My
mother is also holding a Christening outfit that she had made for my cousin, who is
now 55 years old. It will go in a box of memories I have for the children.
Fortunately, as if there could be anything fortunate about this ordeal, I was
spared any infection. I guess you might say "It was a clean kill". I also did not
have to endure the sight of any baby parts. I have spoken with other post-abortive
women who were forced to look at the jar that collected their child's body part's or
who passed the parts of their children in the bathroom. Thank God, I was spared
that additional horror. Unfortunately I had no babies, I suffer the period from Hell
every month with tremendous blood loss and worst of all we have not conceived
another child in 17 years.
Life begins at conception. There is not a speck of doubt in my mind that the
"mass of tissue" that was aborted was not a life and did not possess a human soul.
It's just one of those things that a mother knows in her heart. I'm sorry that I grew
up in a time when there was a question about that. There is not a speck a doubt in
my mind now when life begins and I challenge anyone to tell me otherwise. How
do you stop hating yourself? The only reply is this. I learned to stop hating myself
when I went through the Project Rachel healing program. Through the guidance of
the priests and Our Lord I was able to come to a place of experiencing His mercy.
How do I deal with the day to day sorrow? I share it! And God has given me this
wonderful opportunity to share it all with you. Every time that I can share it, it
pains me less and less.
Mrs. Clinton says that it takes a village to raise a child. In fact she even won a
Grammy award for it, and while I don't totally agree with all of that I do know that
"It takes a nation to pass a law to kill a child".
The little baby is the last person we should take it out on. I once wrote that
abortion is the ultimate expression of our self hate. We must address this issue of
why we don't love ourselves anymore. And just who are we now? Killing an
unseen being is easier than facing that question. We have become coldhearted
killers. We serve under a flag that has taken two indissoluble entities and said yes
you can mix life with choice. Life has always been and will always be a gift.
Choice is a noun and the best definition I can get out of old Webster was: care in
selecting. So how does Chastity fit in all of this? Chastity, like life, is also a gift, a
grace, a fruit of the spirit. It has to do with our integrity and self-mastery. It is not a
choice. Chastity, like life, has its laws of growth, marked by imperfection and sin..
It involves a cultural effort, for there is an interdependence between personal
betterment and the improvement of society. And I just read you what was in the
Catechism of the Catholic Church..
Chastity is not something we choose, it is something we already possess. It
comes with our Life. It is a whole lot more than not having sex before we are
married. Chastity is a beautiful response to Our Lord,, when He touches us with His
Love and Life. Abortion kills that Life.
My prayer, and I hope that you will join me, is that this nation will one day not
only defend the memory of whom they have aborted, but will without question or
discussion defend the lives of the unborn as well.
MAY GOD'S MERCY GIVE US THE COURAGE TO LOVE OURSELVES,
OUR CHILDREN AND OUR LIFE.. THANK YOU.
Anonymous
Received October 1999
Hi my story is typical I guess I just wish it had a better ending. I was
in high school and I just started dating a guy who I liked so much. He had
come to my house for a party in which my mother was out of town. I told
him she was coming home so that nothing would happen between us.
I was drunk but I remember kissing him good-bye and I specifically
remember him pulling out of the driveway in that black Saab he used to
drive. Funny thing is, I woke up the next morning half naked and there
was this guy I liked so much lying next to me. I didn't remember
anything. I was so devastated and hurt but still I convinced myself I
had a good thing going with this guy and I'd hate to throw it away over
something like that (at least that's the advice I got from my
"friends"). I slept with him (consciously) about 2 or 3 times after that
night, until I realized that he was also sleeping with every other
girl in school. After all this I finally got the strength to tell him
to get out of my life so I could move on. I was proud of myself for
being so strong, realizing that I didn't need him.
He had left for
college right after this and that's when I started to get sick. for
days I convinced myself I had the flu until someone mentioned to me
maybe you should get a pregnancy test. "What, I'm not pregnant", I
remember thinking. And to prove it I marched down to the family
planning center to take a test. "Your results are POSITIVE" the lady
said to me, it entered my mind in slow motion. Then I was in shock and
then I was lost, confused, heartbroken and all those other painful
feelings that come with that kind of news. I used to pray to God to
send me someone to love, he did that day, it just came backwards.
The day I came home from school to tell my mother, She had some news for
me, my friend was killed in a car accident. You wonder how much can a
person take at once. Somehow with my moms thoughts, and my ridiculous
thinking and considering the guy was in college and didn't want me or a
child, and considering that I didn't know my father, we decided for the
abortion.
The day before I got a letter from the jerk, "If it's mine and the Dr's
say it's mine, I'm sorry". I wasn't sure how to take it. He knew I was
only with him. He knew the truth and somehow that was supposed to make
it all better. The day I left for the abortion, my brothers best friend
was killed in a car accident.
I remember the ride, all kinds of thoughts running through my mind, but
somehow this seemed to be "the easy way out", It wasn't. I knew when I
went in to have the procedure done I didn't want to do it. I cried
through the entire thing knowing I wanted to get up and run away, and
now I wish I had. The Doctor kept yelling at me telling me if I move I
will never be able to have children. It was the worst pain physically
and mentally, and now each day I live with this haunting me. I will
never forgive myself for it. I am so different today. I glow around
children, I can't wait to have them. My only hope is that God forgives
me and he will bless me with children.
I want people to know that it's not the easy way out. I don't want
anyone else to hurt anymore. No matter what you do with your pregnancy,
you will remember that child everyday of your life, I know I will.
April 9, 1995 was my due date. It doesn't ever go away.
I am doing a paper on abortion and I wanted to write about the after
effects, but my professor is forcing me to do it on the laws governing
abortion are ineffective.
Anonymous
Received October 1999
I ran across your page tonight and I cannot tell you the feelings it
brought out in me. I cry now as I type this and it has been twenty
years since my abortion. I would like to share my story too.
The pro-choice rhetoric is that it is better to abort a child then to
have one when you are young and poor, but this is a lie. Most abortions
are performed on middle to upper middle class white females of college
age. Poor women keep their babies. I know my abortion stats now. I
was one of those stats. I had my abortion when I was twenty years old.
I lived at home with my mother at the time. I was a white twenty year
old female who was not poor. abused, or sexually assaulted. I was
careless with my birth control and got pregnant. At the time I was an
exotic dancer and I was bringing home about $1000 to $1500 a week, not
bad for a twenty year old with no rent, no car note, or any other bills
to speak of. When I found out I was pregnant adoption never even
crossed my mind, I just knew that I was having a great time, had a
great body I didn't want to mess up, and that abortion was my right. I
kept telling myself that all the way to the clinic and all during the
procedure. If I didn't do anything wrong, why did I have a bad feeling
in the pit of my stomach? I knew it was wrong when I did it. There are
no excuses. I know that now may God forgive me.
Melody LadyMelody@webtv.net
Memphis TN.
Received October 1999
I want to share my story with women who have been thru or are thinking about abortion. I was married for 6 years and have a daughter who is now 5.
I have been divorced 2 yrs and have had several relationships and have not used protection. This time I got pregnant.
He was someone younger than me and not ready for a "family".
He enjoyed the idea at first, we chose names and looked for a place to live. Three weeks later he changed his mind! Imagine how easy it is for guys to just decide they don't want to be a Dad!! AMAZING!
Well after trying to get him to talk to me and having him ignore and turn me away, I had to decided what to do, he threatened taking my baby and threatened my family. He obviously was not "right." I made the hardest choice of my life.
My family and friends knew everyone knew about my pregnancy, including my five-year-old. How do I explain this? I will never forget my trip to the clinic.
My mom took me and my family was all supportive but yet I felt alone, I had named this child and the week before I was planning its future and now I was planning the end of this child's life.
Everyone there was kind and understanding, I was so scared I didn't believe in abortion and outside this woman was yelling at me...it was terrifying. I remember sitting in the room waiting to be "next", the sounds were awful the machine running -- oh how
I wanted to run so fast and leave with my baby, I remember my ultrasound,
I asked the tech. if I could see the picture, she looked at me funny, I need to see it I said. There was my baby so tiny, so helpless the one and only time I would see him or her.
After everything was over I woke up in a room with other women and girls who had just come out from the "procedure". I cried, my mom came over to recovery and we were
leaving and she asked me how I felt and I said relieved! Is this what it feels like to kill a baby? I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I hated myself, I hated HIM for putting me thru this
for being immature and a coward. I wanted him to feel the pain, the loss and the guilt of what we had done, instead he is out playing with his friends. How ironic it takes to people to make a life,
but yet one suffers the loss.
I told selected friends and family what had happened, everyone else was told it was a miscarriage. I condemned myself enough and didn't want to be labeled. I told my five-year-old that the baby had died, she told me well Mommy he is an Angel now and has w
ings, he gets to fly! She understands death but couldn't understand this too well because she had no "real" part of the pregnancy. One day I will sit down with her and tell her the truth. What some people have a hard time with is the fact that you just
don't forget. You always remember, you always will regret and you always will long for that child and wonder what he or
she would have become. I would be 7.5 months pregnant right now. Sometimes I hear my baby crying. I feel empty. I have one child and I love her so much and she went thru so much with her dad. Sometimes I wish I would have been stronger and braver to do th
is alone. The "father" believes that I had a miscarriage as well, now throwing the rumor I was never pregnant, I suppose that is his way of dealing with the guilt? I have seen him since and I get this ill feeling so sick, I want him to feel the pain. I
miss my baby, I long to see him feel him hold him and kiss his little head, I will forever long for that child. Through this I have learned that I am not invincible and I learned a hard, horrible lesson. I take all precautions and fear sex actually and th
e idea of being close to someone again. Thank you for taking time to read my story
Anonymous
Received September 1999
I used to be pro-choice...once upon a time, but over time that has
changed. I was young....and I had a very abusive boyfriend. In fact, he threatened
me forcing, me to have sex with him. I felt there was no way out seeing as
how he threatened to kill me if I didn't do as I was told. He got me
pregnant, not just once, but twice and both time I was dropped off at an abortion
clinic. He forced me to have sex with him, and than forced me to deal
with the situation all on my own. I had abortions both times. I felt I had no
choice. I still to this day regret it, and this happened over 5 years
ago. I thank God I was able to survive this "safe" procedure without death, but
I do not thank that man (my exboyfriend) for leaving me with the emotional
scars I know live with every day. Many people who support pro-choice
have no idea what it's like to actually get an abortion. Many people who are
pro-choice I think forget the fact that their mother was pro-life. To
anyone who reads this and maybe thinking about or one day may consider getting an
abortion PLEASE PLEASE don't. Let some loving family raise your child if
you don't think you can. If you abort that child you will live the rest of
yourlife wondering, you'll remember the day of your abortion forever, wouldn't
you rather remember their birthday? Abortion is not a choice, it is a
disease that you will live with for the rest of your life. It's like AIDS
or Cancer, once you get it done....there is no cure for the pain. I managed
to get out of that abusive relationship and concentrate on healing the wounds
that I've suffered from getting those abortions. I'm now married with a
two year old son who I love more than anything in this world. I cherish every
moment I spend with him. He is literally my miracle. The doctor told me
I would be lucky to carry my son to term. The doctor said my uterus may not
be strong enough to carry a baby because I had been a "victim to abortion."
I got lucky though, I was able to carry my son who is happy and healthy.
Still though every time I look at him, I wonder what my other children may have
been like. I know there are some who are reading this in disgust with me for
getting not only one abortion but two, and I ask those people to
understand that we all make mistakes and we learn from those mistakes, and I try to
teach and inform others based on my mistakes.
Anonymous
Received September 1999
I am writing from a friends computer. It has only been ten days since my
abortion and I do not know why I am torturing myself by reading
anti-abortion literature. I guess I am very fixated on the trauma and
heartache that has occured. I just happened across this site and read
some stories, and we all have them. Anyone who thinks that abortion is an
easy choice is wrong! The emotional and physical repercussions of such a
sureal, and agonizing experience can be permanent. As much as I am
pro-choice, I feel de-moralized and cheated. My story begins the same as
everyone elses, with sex. I am a twenty-six year old mother of a little
girl, who just turned six recently. I was recently single after a long
relationship and met someone that I thought was beautiful. I want to
point out here that you don't have to be extremely young or naive to get
swept away and make a mistake. We all do it. I felt very comfortable
with him, he made me laugh and I believed that I was in love with him.
After a few weeks I instinctively knew that I was pregnant. I was in
denial at first and did not want to face the harsh reality of what that
could mean. It took me weeks before I would allow myself to confirm the
pregnancy. When I finally bought a test and found out that it was
positive It took me another week before I could bring myself to tell
Paul. I guess I knew what he would say. When we did speak It was worse
than I could have imagined. But I guess men forget that it isn't just
about them. After an emotionally charged conversation, he left.
I decided that i was above this and I didn't need him interfering in my
life. I decided not to call him and didn,t speak to him for weeks. I
began to focus on my pregnancy and myself. At this point I was so
confused that I had no idea what to do. Here I am twenty-six and feeling
very maternal. I love kids, I want more children, I coach soccer, but....
I finally went to my doctor's to ask for an ultra-sound. That day
broke my heart. I was already eleven plus weeks. The child looked like a
baby, was a baby, and they gave me a picture to take home. I couldn't
stop looking at it. I went through all the early phases of pregnancy and
despite my growing attatchment and love for this little child decided
after many tears and sleepless nights to abort him.
I kept putting of the call for weeks. Had I been able to think clearly
and had more support I would not have done this. I had to spend a week
on the phone to different clinics when i had finally attempted to do
this. Canada has laws and only clinics will do a procedure after
fourteen weeks and only up to twenty. I tried to stay in the city that I
live in but they were "all booked up". I had no choice but to go out of
town. They told me to come the next morning.
Paul had come back to apologize a week or so earlier and gave some
support and we had made plans to meet prior to me getting an appointment. He seemed as freaked ouy as myself, it seemed all to soon. I was not at
all prepared for this and wasn't sure about how supportive he would be in
such a position. As much as believed I had made the right choice for me
I couldn't begin to figure out how to let go of something I really
deeply wanted and loved.
The next morning we arrived at the clinic, and I felt a guilt and hate
for what I was about to do. As I turned the corner to the clinic I was
accosted by a fanatic, he had Know idea who I was or where I was going
and picked me out of a crowd. He chased me telling me I am going to
hell, I was afraid that he would hurt me. I was terrified at this point
and it took every ounce of me to walk through the doors. I found out upon
entry that the anti-abortionists had put their office right beside the
clinic. I was given an ultra- sound, was fifteen weeks. What a sad,
pathetic place this was. The doctor was mean, the nurses were worse and
they offered no counseling. You were a piece of meat to them and they
were intolerant of tears. There was a poor young girl there who was over
the cut off date, this was her third day there. They had put in a
laminaria and wasn't dilating at all. She had many procedures, more
"sticks" placed in her, she was scared, twenty- one weeks pregnant and
three days into an abortion, facing a possible C-section, and the nurses
told her not to cry because it wouldn't help her. I have never seen such
a disregard for people as I did here.
The doctor never really explained what I was going to go through, and
called me a cry baby for crying during the painful insertion of the
laminaria. The only thing I am grateful for is having the opportunity to speak to a few women while I was there. I sat for five hours in hell
before they took me in. They are even beyond trying to make sure that you
are comfortable or quell your fears. They drug you but you can feel and
hear it all. I happened to glance to the side at one point and see a
glass jar filling up with blood and tissue. Then the doctor said it's
stuck and a nurse took it away and brought a new one. I was unable to do
anything but laugh as I was crying because they were administering Nitrous
Oxide a.k.a laughing gas. When it was over they slapped a pad on me and
quickly ushered me out the door. I was in recovery for fifteen minutes,
and was asked to fill out a form on how good the service was before I
left. Know one even escorted me to the door. Paul had been told to go
for a walk hours before and I stumbled a few blocks to the car by myself,
in down town Toronto.
The next day I cried so much that I felt that I would die of my sorrow.
I felt empty and void and wanted to go back in time. I took alot of
medication to help me sleep, but I couldn't, I couldn't eat for a week
either. Today I still feel very sad and full of regret, I would not have
made the same decision today. But as a mother, a woman, and a human I
will do what ever it takes to be strong and try and educate my peers.
There is something very wrong with a system that doesn't screen it's
patients, council them, or try to help and support them in any way
possible. A mother needs help to cope in the days after such a tragic
loss. People are so quick to help get rid of a baby but where are they
when it actually matters?
I will never forget . And I pray that the poor girl at twenty-one
weeks is okay, she really affected me. I am grateful for this chance to
speak, and admire the strength behind each and everyone of you. Peace.
Anonymous
Received July 1999
My name is **** and I am 19 years old. My experience with abortion is
still recent and I know I am not going to be able to write this without
crying. I am and have always been pro-life, but it is amazing how you
lose yourself when you get scared.
I became pregnant in late November 1998, and as my supposed due date
grows closer the more painful it gets. I was not in a serious
relationship, but the connection Dan and I shared was very intense. I
did not fear telling him I was pregnant, I feared what my future now
held. I had planned to tell Dan after he completed his finals, but he
kept asking what was wrong and I final broke down and told him. Right
away he suggested an abortion; I told him it was out of the question
because I was not going to kill my baby. We decided to hold out on
discussing it until his finals were over. When we sat down finally to
talk about it, abortion was all he would really discuss. I sat there
and listen to his reasoning, but ever time I brought up adoption he
would tell me how much better abortion would be. We had both agreed
right away that I was too young and he was not settled enough to raise a
child. I wanted to put my baby up for adoption, to be able to find a
family that could give my baby everything it deserved. After hours of
going back and forth he said that when my finals were over we would
decide, but ultimately it was my decision.
I took my finals with the constant thought of what was I going to do.
Dan was so persuasive that he made abortion look like the only choice I
had. He made me believe the pain of adoption would hurt more than
abortion and I believed him. To my own amazement I agreed to have an
abortion as long as it was medical abortion. It is a shot that stops
the pregnancy and causes a miscarriage. The nurses at the clinic told
me I was lucky because even a day later would have made a medical
abortion impossible. I do not know where I went, but I disappeared for
days. I miscarried on December 25, 1998. I ended up telling my mother
and one of my sisters that it had been an abortion. They were both very
supportive, but I begin a battle with myself.
Right away I regretted my choice; I wanted my baby back. I cried and
cried. I isolated myself and prayed that this had all been a dream.
Dan never discussed the abortion until I made him. I need him to be
there to listen to me, but he could not. He always had to tell me it
was the right choice. I finally told him that it was a baby and he
deserved to be named. So alone I named him Noah James and I plan to
celebrate him on August 8, his birthday.
I realized how Dan had forced me into having an abortion. I know it
was my choice in the end, but to this day it still amazes me how he made
abortion seem so right to someone so much against it. I blamed Dan for
a long time and have just begun to forgive him. It was all he knew how
to do and he was just as scared as I was. The biggest problem I face is
myself. I have struggled and still am struggling to forgive myself. I
believe Noah and God has forgiven me, but I cannot forgive myself. I
want to cry when I see babies and I just wish to hold my Noah in my
arms. Some days are harder than others are, but I am trying to move on.
Noah is a concrete part of my life and will never be forgotten. This is
a memorial to him, my beautiful and precious baby boy.
Anonymous
Received May 1999
Debbie's Testimony:
http://www.probe.net/~debbier/Testimoniespage.html
Received April 1999
I stumbled into your site today...it's hard for me to describe how it
made me feel. There was an article about a girl
who compared abortion to finding bacon in her soup. Just the very
notion that someone could be
that heartless made me cry. I am one of those women she was speaking
about...how did she refer to me? I believe the word was whiner? It is
unfathomable to me that
anyone could have such a dark, dark soul. I could, at any given moment,
tell you exactly how old my child would be. Today he/she would be 6 months
and three weeks old. Probably just learning
to sit up. I am unable to look at an expectant mother's belly. I cannot
even find peace at my church and no longer go, due to the picketers who
congregate there. On the monthly anniversary of my abortion, I cannot get
out of bed. There are times I spend the entire day there, and just sob.
It was the biggest mistake of my life and will always be, even if I live
to be 100.
I wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't know it would feel this way. No one
told me it would ruin my life. I realize that you are right-to-life, and
it makes me cry that your response to me wouldn't be "it serves you
right!" I tried to turn all this agony into something good by calling
Planned
Parenthood and asking if there would be some way for me to counsel women
and girls who are considering abortion. Not to preach to them or talk them
out of it-but to tell them what nobody bothered to tell me, which is that
it will alter your life in ways I can't even articulate. But the
woman I spoke with said that because I was crying while I spoke, that I
could not be an impartial counselor. I would never picket because I do
not believe it deters anyone, and because it causes more pain and
heartache for women like me when we already know how desperately wrong
we were. So it seems that I have yet to find a way to turn all of this
into something constructive.
Thank you for trying to understand my pain, and for defending women like
me to that woman who is so, so, lost.
A.M.
Received March 1999
Hi, my name is Denise. I have experienced both adoption and abortion.
I was 18 years old and in college when I found out I was pregnant. I had
unprotected sex and never thought that pregnancy would happen to me. I
was away from home and had everything going for me. My parents were
paying for my education and I was living on my own
At that time, all I
could think of was how I didn't want to lose everything I had. I wanted
to be free and not tied down to anything or anyone. I was self-centered,
as most girls are at that age, I thought only of myself. I was raised
with a belief in God, but had not gone to church in years and
had no personal relationship with Him. I went to Planned Parenthood for
a free pregnancy test. A counselor went over me with the results. She
explained how since this was obviously an unplanned pregnancy, and I had
so much going for me, the only option was abortion. Being the
self-centered, naive person I was, I believed her. I had an abortion at
about 6 weeks gestation.
Shortly after the abortion I went into a deep
depression. I dropped out of school and fought with my parents. I had
an abusive manipulating boyfriend and I was miserable. I didn't care
about myself anymore. I was suicidal and cold hearted. Two months
later, I got pregnant again (this time I was on the pill). I couldn't
even imagine going through the pain and torment of another abortion. It
was hard to tell my parents I was pregnant. They had never known (and
still don't) about the previous pregnancy. When I told my father, he
look at me with soulful eyes (and my father is NOT one to show any
emotion) and said, "please don't do anything as horrendous as having an
abortion". My stomach turned. My boyfriend threatened to kill me if I
carried the child, then he threatened to kill me if I kept the child.
All my "friends" (yeah, where are they now?) urged me to get an abortion.
I talked to someone who used abortion as a form a birth control. The
thought of her doing that made me want to puke! Then I ran into a
co-worker who had something great to share with me. She pulled out some
pictures of a little girl who was about three years old. She said,
"this is my daughter. I gave her up for adoption at birth".
"Adoption?", I thought. Wow, why hadn't it occurred to me before. After
all, I was adopted myself. My birth mom loved me enough to give me life
as God had planned! So, I made my choice. It wasn't easy. At about one
month after I found out I was pregnant, I got a new wonderful boyfriend.
He offered to stick with me and even help me raise the child if I
wanted. I told him I was way too immature and unstable to raise a child
at that time. I also believed that a child needed two parents if at all
possible, and since we just started dating, I could not make a
commitment like that. I found a lawyer and started looking for parents.
I was adopted under a closed adoption, but now you can choose a very
open adoption and call all the shots. I looked at some resumes and
picked a couple who I thought would be great parents. I met them in
person and we talked on the phone several times throughout the
pregnancy. They helped some financially because my boyfriend had a very
low paying job at the time, and I was on disability. They wanted to
make sure I made it to all my doctor visits and ate healthy (I ate TOO
healthy, I gained 95lbs!). I was accused several times (especially by
young mothers) that I was selling my baby and I was a horrible person.
I kept my chin up, I knew I was doing the right thing.
On May 7, 1990 I gave birth to a beautiful 8lb baby girl. The adopting
parents came as
soon as they could. They thanked me with all their heart for giving
them the opportunity to finally have a child of their own. I felt
great!!! My boyfriend and I ended up getting married. Ten years later
and we now have two wonderful boys. I will always regret being
responsible for taking the life of my first baby (abortion). I have
NEVER regretted giving a life to a deserving couple. I get pictures of
her every year and since it was an open adoption, we can always get a
hold of each other if it is ever necessary. I wish adoption wasn't
looked down upon so much. I wish it was offered at places like Planned
Parenthood as readily as they offer abortions. Adoption leaves no
regret, abortion does. It's as simple as that! Having responsible sex,
or being abstinent until marriage would help a lot too! Praise God for
not letting me make the same mistake twice!!
Thank you for listening. That is the first time I have shared this
story ever. It feels great. I hope I can help someone out there.....
Denise
niecee11@hotmail.com
Received March 1999
In 1972, as I was walking home from high school and was offered a ride by
an adult male acquaintance of mine. This man had a horse that he let me
ride, whenever I wanted and being the horse crazy teen-ager that I was, I
jumped at the chance to be around him, if only to stay on his good side
and be able to continue riding his horse. Ah, the innocence of youth.
Instead of taking me home, this man took me to a secluded area and raped
me. Being a prideful and head-strong young woman, I kept it to myself.
Until six weeks later, when I started getting sick every morning. My
Mother, suspecting I might have mono, had me go to the doctor. There, they
did a variety of tests, including a pregnancy test. Turns out, I had
gotten pregnant by that rape. My secret was out. I had to tell my parents.
Fearing the worst, I steeled myself and showed my Mother the receipt from
the doctor. She asked me how such a thing had happened. I told her,
leaving out the details. When my Father came home, my Mother told him. I
waited in my room, waited for the angry explosion. But it never came. My
parents were angry, but not at me. At the man that had done this to me.
They decided that an abortion was in order. They called our family doctor
and a complete psychological exam for me was ordered. I spent 15 minutes
with this doctor. In that short time, he asked me how I liked school, if I
had many friends and what I thought and felt about being pregnant. 'Yes',
'Yes', and 'I hadn't really thought about it.'
From these answers, he decided that carrying a child to term would be
harmful for my psychological health, so an abortion was scheduled. Now,
in the early 70's, in Wisconsin, abortion was illegal, unless it was
proven that the pregnancy would be harmful to the mother. From the few
questions that he asked me, he assumed that I was in too fragile a state
to have a child. Hmm, sounds like a set-up to me.
Anyway, a week later, I was admitted into the University of Wisconsin
Hospital and a D&C was performed. I remained in the hospital for three
days, as the procedure was considered surgery. This was not spoken of
very often. 'Some things are better off unsaid'.
In 1975, I became pregnant again. This time, I was an adult. I was the one
to decide what to do about this 'problem'. My friends told me to abort. My
family was torn between abortion and adoption. Everyone was worried about
my
'future'. Hmm, what about the tiny life I was carrying? Didn't he/she
deserve a future? So, I made the decision to carry this child to term and
then place he/she for adoption. in May of 1976, I gave birth to a son. I
got to know that small child of mine for three months and then it was time
to sign the papers, relinquishing my parental rights. The judge asked me
if anyone was coercing me into placing him for adoption. "No", I told him.
That "I was doing it out of love". That "I felt it was the only way he
would be able to have a loving and stable family and life. I wanted him to
have a chance to be somebody."
Afterwards, I had a friend drop me off at a church. I don't remember what
church it was. I only knew that I HAD to go there. It was the first time
in seven years I had gone to a church (other than weddings and funerals).
My friends? They chastised me for 'giving away' my son. They wondered how
I could do such a hateful thing! These same people that had pushed me to
have an abortion. Somehow, it was OK to kill my child, but not Ok to help
him have a decent life. To this day, I do not understand their thinking.
This is my son, a few days before he exited my life, to start a new one
with a family that had waited years for a child. I often wonder what my
aborted child would look like.
So, I have been on both sides of the pro-life debate. I have experienced
first-hand the choices that are available. I pray that my son is healthy
and happy. That, someday, he will come knocking on my door, and I can tell
him that I
gave him up because I loved him. I grieve for my poor little unborn babe.
Who will never know the sun on his face. Never know the majesty of a
sunrise. Never know the pain of a broken heart. Never feel the warm and
tender touch of a loving embrace. I grieve, yet I also rejoice, for I
know that he is with the Lord. Safe and secure in His love and protection.
Any young woman that finds herself pregnant, and is in a quandary as to
what to do, trust me, abortion is NOT the answer. It does not solve
things. It may be a 'quick fix' for what is perceived as a problem, but,
believe me, the ramifications stay with you a lifetime and beyond. The
guilt that follows you throughout your life is a very heavy
burden. Your life may not be damaged, but, trust me, your soul is. Plus,
IT JUST IS NOT RIGHT TO TAKE A LIFE, whether that life is but six tiny
cells or a walking talking person.
Ladies, since time immortal, we have been taught and conditioned to be
subservient to men. We get less pay, poorer housing, less benefits. Why,
even our shoes aren't made as durable as men's. Women continue to be
considered second class citizens. If you dress for comfort on a hot summer
day, you are considered to be an easy mark, sexually. Wear shorts and a
tank top, and far too many men take it as an advertisement for sexual
relations. PLEASE, be careful. Rape is something that occurs at an ever
alarming rate. The sad truth is that the perpetrator is most often
someone that is well known to the victim.
Ladies, go with your inner feelings. If you get any bad 'vibes' from a
man, be they a boyfriend, an relative, a stranger or an acquaintance,
listen to your inner voice.
Do what you can to never be alone with that person. Stay on your guard at
all times. Your body is too precious a thing to be sullied and defiled by
someone in a moment of their own selfish passion and dominance.
http://www.angelfire.com/mi/whisperingpines/prolife.html
garland@chatham.tds.net
Received January 1999
At the age of sixteen, I became pregnant by my first love. My boyfriend
was
equally as frightened as I was and considering I was caught up in the
whole
pro-choice debate, he and I were conflicted and dreadfully confused. I
ended
up telling my parents and my father said that I had to have an abortion or
else. So, being sixteen , I did it. The procedure was terrifying and
without a
doubt, the most painful thing I had ever endured. The aftermath left my
boyfriend and I depressed and disgusted with ourselves. We remained
together
for 3 more years after that and not a day went by that we did not hate
ourselves for what we had done. And finally, a year ago today, my
boyfriend
was killed in a car accident. The first thought that popped into my mind
and
has haunted me since that very day is that I killed the last living piece
of
that wonderful caring man I had loved for so long. That is the most
treacherous burden one will ever carry.
alowe@utk.edu
Received December 1998
I became sexually active when I was 14 and I lost my self-respect
after the boy I was with became unfaithful. I had other sexual partners
afterward and I became pregnant when I was 15. I told my two best friends
after I started to get morning sickness and I wrote a suicide note because in my
heart, I knew this was murder and I wanted to die with my child. I could
not live with the shame and the embarrassment of being so stupid as to get
pregnant. I could not face my mom and dad or my friends. I was in a state
of panic and fear of anyone finding out, I really just wanted to die. It was just a
matter of how to kill myself- I just needed time to find that out. Instead my mom
found my note and my aunt took me to get a blood test. It was positive,
and I said to myself "I guess I want to get an abortion". And I did. I cried after I
got out of the clinic and into the car. I tried to take a drag off a cigarette
but I got sick. I continued to cry for a while and then we never talked about
it again. Once in home economics class I saw some pictures of a 12 week
fetus- I was 10 weeks when I aborted and I didn't know it was a baby. No
one told me it was so alive and so formed
and so real and its heart was beating when I killed it. I should have
known it though - deep down I did know it.
I repeated the whole process coldly and with no emotion when I was 17.
After years of struggling with drug addiction and suicidal tendencies at the age
of 19 I had a little boy and I blocked out all the bad stuff that happened to
me, claiming I had changed and believing he was my absolution. Now I can't
live with it any more, I can't reconcile it with the life I have now. I
can't make it make sense or push the memory away. It was me or my
babies and I chose myself-what kind of a mother does this. Who am I? I
have so much anger and so much sorrow and I haven't even begun to express this
pain. I have never been able to talk about this, but I don't want anymore babies
to die and I don't want to keep seeing the pictures in the anti abortion
pamphlets anymore (the really graphic ones). 1,300,000 abortions a year, 1,300,00
babies a year and all I see is my sons newborn face and my black heart and my 15
year old hands, shaking with fear. I know that I need counseling and it has
taken me 8 years to realize how devastating the effects of abortion are, how sick I
am and how bad I really feel. I am just so sorry, I just don't ever want it to happen
to any baby ever again. These are our children.
Murder should not be an option, it just shouldn't...
Anonymous
December 1998
Jennifer's Abortion Experience
Received December 1998
Being a women who has experienced the pain and aftereffects of abortion, I
can tell you that in no way was I ever "counseled". That is a lie from
the pit of hell, that those places offer counseling. The Planned
Parenthood office in Lancaster, PA, sat me and about 10 other men and
women around a huge table.
I was extremely sick at the time, but had to attend this so-called
counseling to be able to abort in time to make the 12 week mark. I had to
leave the room numerous times due to an asthma attack and coughing fit. I
was very sick emotionally and physically at the time. I was expecting to
get a "please talk me out of this" speech. I WANTED it. I wanted to keep
my baby, but I was so confused, I felt like I was playing beat the clock.
I was so devastated to find out that their so-called counseling was the
"What-ifs" and the "What could happen" speeches, and tons of paper
signing, in case of a complication. You know they have to cover their
butts. They needed to prove they told me in case something went wrong.
Well, I missed most of the speech anyway cause I was running in and out of
the bathroom with a coughing fit.
It is plain and simple fact, that if I have sex, I can get pregnant. I
feel I made my "choice" when I weighed those consequences in my mind,
before having sex. From that point on, I had no other choice. God made
that little baby in me, knitted it together in my womb. I had no right to
stop that child from it's natural progression into a born human being.
Society filled my head with, it's not a child it's a choice, and you can't
AFFORD another child, it's OK to abort, I did it too. I kept hearing
this, over and over. The only
two friends that supported me having that child, lived 60 miles away from
me. When I saw them, I decided not to kill my baby, when I got back to
Lancaster, I was once again bombarded with negativity and "You can't keep
IT" mentality. I WANTED my baby, I LOVED my baby, I MISS my baby, I still
GRIEVE and MOURN the loss of my child. NO ONE should have tried to
convince me of what was right for me. I knew in my heart of hearts what
was right, and I chose to ignore it, because I was labeled an unwed mother
in this society, something that has less value than a "real" mother. I
only learned this all too late
to save my child. I learned that Jesus valued me as much as the "real"
mothers, and that I was also a real mother. I learned that God wanted to
protect me from the pain of the crisis pregnancy and that is why the
sanctity of marriage is so special. I learned that it would have been OK
to keep my baby, and Jesus would have loved me just as much as everyone
else. Oh to know the love of Jesus sooner...But I also know that this
pain caused me to search for this love. And God made it work together for
good after I did not follow His will and was hurt so deeply. He has
healed my heart, He is caring for the child I named Gabriel Wynne, and he
loves me and forgives me for sending that child to be with Him before she
had a chance to live. I pray with all my heart that the men murdering
these babies, I called them hired hitmen myself, will
someday feel the pain of the unborn, and know that the God that knitted
those doctor's together in their mothers' wombs, is going to forgive them,
if they can just stop the senseless killing...
Shellie
Gabriel Wynne
shellie@shelliegrrl.com
Received November 07, 1998
On Nov. 23, 1979 I had an abortion although I was Catholic, moral, and
knew this was a living human being. I was a college sophomore, scared to tell
my parents, abandoned by my boyfriend, and sure that I was unable to support
and care for a baby. My friends didn't know what to do or what to say to me.
My college counselor agreed that having an abortion was the decision which
would allow me to "go forward with my life."
How I wish I'd had ONE strong pro-life voice around me to urge me not to
have an abortion, one person to mention a pregnancy center, one person to
mention adoption. I was ready to be talked out of an abortion -- I needed someone
to offer to tell my parents with me; basically, tell me it would be all
right and having this baby was the right thing to do.
My life spun out of control after that abortion and became a whirlwind of
drinking and promiscuity. I was firmly pro-choice because, after all, I'd
had an abortion and didn't have the right to tell others not to "affirm their
choice."
Finally, at age 30, married, with a child, and renewed in my Christianity,
I volunteered at a crisis pregnancy center and viewed the tapes, read the
manuals and broke down. Most of the women there had experienced an
abortion and knew the brokenness that had to happen before healing. Prayer,
support and belief that God forgives our confessed sins led me to acceptance,
although I will always wish I had chosen to give birth.
I realized that just because I had an abortion I didn't have to fight to
support it. In the drunken years, I drove while drunk every night -- that
doesn't mean I have to advocate drunk driving rights now! If you are torn
because you've had an abortion and now don't support it, trust that your
bitter experience can be put behind you and you can be vocal in your
opposition to abortion. You know the pain of abortion and its destructive
effects upon both baby and mother.
Kathy
Received October 27, 1998
After reading all the e-mails, I too wish I had been more informed.
It has been about 3 weeks since I had my abortion. I had denied being
pregnant
for over a month. My boyfriend, who is a very strong Christian, mentioned
to me
one day about being pregnant. I blew it off and said "No way, don't worry
about." For being a RN, I was in extreme denial. I started thinking about
it
and I guess it had always been in the back of my mind. I mentioned to my
best
friend that I was about a month late. So the next day I planned on taking
a
pregnancy test. When they both turned out to be positive, I was numb all
over.
All I could think of was how I was going to tell my boyfriend that had
just
left for another country, and wouldn't be back for months. I still was in
denial, so I took a blood test that night at work. My worst fear, it too
was
positive. By morning, reality was sinking in and I was imagining raising
this
child by myself. I realized I had already become attached. It took me four
hours to get up the nerve to tell him. He took it much better than I had,
the only thing was I acted
like I hadn't decided on what to do. I wanted to hear what he would say, I
never imagined he would bring up abortion. So, I said "that is the only
option
for us at this time." I denied all the feelings inside of me. I worried
about
what our families would say, not ever thinking of how I was going to live
with
this decision. I also thought he would change his mind. Listening to him,
he
didn't have any clue on the development of a 5 week embryo or abortion
procedures. I made an appointment and my best friend accompanied me for
support. She had already tried to talk me out of it. All I wanted was my
boyfriend to change his mind. I kept praying that something would stop me
while
I was waiting. That should have been a clue to run and never look back. I
never
imagined the pain, it was excruciating. Some of the pain was from the
procedure, but also the instant emptiness. I knew I was on my own and had
made
the worst mistake of my life. I wanted to turn the clocks back. I have
such emptiness, there is a void in my
heart. There is never a way to fill the void. I cry every night when I am
alone, there is no comfort in this world. Of course, my boyfriend doesn't
understand the void I feel. He never felt the attachment, he has tried to
comfort me but it is hard being across the ocean. I really don't think
anything
will make it better. I wonder every second of the day, what my baby would
have
looked like, was it a boy or a girl? I never planned on getting attached,
but now every time I see someone pregnant or new little infant, I am envious.
I know I shouldn't be. I want everyone to know that it isn't over after the
abortion. The problem only gets worse. If only I could take it back.....
Name withheld
Received October 15, 1998
I was raised up a strict, pro-life Catholic girl, and still
am after what had happened to me . I became engaged when
I was 17 and shortly after that became pregnant my family was excited I was almost three months the father at
first told me he was happy and wanted it but I was young and naive
because when he told me soon after that if I did not have an abortion
he would leave me, and that if I did not I was not showing my love for
him. So I went ahead set up an appointment with a family planning clinic
for an abortion when I went there I was scared did not know what to do,
but I went through with it. After it was done I felt awful like someone
tore my heart out. I felt like I could not handle this emotionally.
Less then a month later I started getting bad cramps and slight fevers,
so I called the clinic they said that there was nothing to worry about so
I went on thinking nothing was wrong until I gained a really bad cramp
that landed me in the hospital. The doctor said from the abortion I had
a uterine infection and two ovarian cysts. I ended up in the hospital
for 2 days and on home iv care nursing for two weeks. Now I just found
out the chances of having children are slim.
I am now married to the man that was the father I still have hard time
dealing with the abortion I cant forget it like he tells me two , he
says ultimately it was my decision and if I felt so strong against it I
should have not done it, so now I fell worse then ever. I really do hope
I can have children. One thing the abortion clinic fails to tell
you is if the fetus feels pain or not. I found out all the statistics
afterwards by reading up on it. Thanks for your time I just wanted to
share my story
Carrol carrol_s@yahoo.com
Received July, 1998
I was just reading through the painful stories of these women that I
have long refused to group myself with. However, I have just now realized
that I am one of them. I always spent so much time, judging them for their lack
of sense or character and refused to admit my own culpability. I had an
abortion in 1978. I was 18 yrs old and engaged to be married the
following summer. I had just graduated high school, an honors student, university bound. My whole
life was about being the "trophy child". My mother had become pregnant with me
and my biological father married someone else he impregnated at the same time
instead. This left my mother kicked out of her family and she spent the
next 18 years bragging about my every achievement as a sort of justification
for defying her parents and keeping me instead of going to Tijuana and having
an illegal abortion as they wanted her to do.
Upon discovering I was pregnant, I
went a bit bezerk. How could I do this to my mom? What would her parents
say now. Like mother, like daughter. I am ashamed to admit now that I was more
concerned about my mother's well being than my own baby's. My fiancée encouraged me
to terminate the pregnancy because as a diabetic, he hadn't been watching
himself too well then, and his concern was that the baby wouldn't be born
healthy or without some birth defect. So, although it was against
everything I had been brought up to believe in and stand for, I took the coward's way out and
sacrificed by baby. I am 38 years old now, and even as I type this, I am
weeping. I married him and 3 years later, I left him. He wanted a
family. I couldn't even begin to consider it. Have a family? We already had started
one only to kill it. I couldn't face him, because to face him was to have to
face myself and my part in the hideous deed.
I married again in 1992. We
wanted a family above all else. Unfortunately, in 1985, I found out that I was
now infertile and the chances of becoming pregnant were fairly nil.
Ironically, the infertility had nothing to do with the abortion. So I literally killed the only chance I had
to give birth to a child. My now husband and I went through some
infertility treatments, unsuccessfully. But we were able to adopt a beautiful 11 day
old baby girl six months after we married. We have since adopted another
daughter and were able to bring her home straight from the hospital. I love my
beautiful miraculous girls unconditionally. And I don't consider them
replacements for the child I sacrificed. And I never forget about that child either. I
have confessed my sin and I believe that I have been forgiven even if I still
chastise myself. I weep with these women for all our losses. I pray that
the death of these innocents and our experiences are not for
nothing....that some
women will read them and understand that abortion is not a quick fix. It
will live with you even as that child would have, if not longer. So I no longer
judge you, my sisters in mourning, I have judged myself the harshest and
pray that we become better teachers. Thank you for providing this forum.
miracle2x@hotmail.com
Received June, 1998
My first and only abortion happened after having my first child in 1987. I
had been married for about a year and suddenly I find myself pregnant
again. I was devastated. I didn't plan on another child so soon after the
first. He was only five months old. I had discussed the issue with my
husband and against his better judgment, he agreed. I didn't know exactly
what it entailed. At the time, I thought "NO BIG DEAL''. I can do this,
but when I entered that clinic, I knew then that I was committing the
biggest mistake of my life. And as stupid as I was, I went along with it
anyway. I met a young woman there and we got to talking. I needed to know
what it would feel like, so I asked her. She said "It's a piece of cake,
this is my fourth time here." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She
was so calm about it. I thought, this woman to be some kind of nut case.
But I look back now and realized that I was no better than she. After my
ordeal, the guilt set in. It was horrible. I prayed that night hoping that
God would forgive me for what I had done. I knew he did. About five years
later, I find myself pregnant and having the same thoughts all over again.
This time, I decided that I wouldn't put my baby nor myself through such
an ordeal again. So, I kept my baby and had a tubal ligation done.
It was for the best. I didn't want anymore children but I didn't want
another murder hanging over my head for the rest of my life.
I often find myself thinking whether it was a boy or girl and how old it
would've been today. But I feel relief, knowing that this child is with
god, and that I'm forgiven because I would never do such a thing again.
I look at my two boys now and I thank god for them. They've brought me so
much pleasure and happiness. I can't imagine life without them.
Midik3@ix.netcom.com
Received May 29, 1998
I am currently two weeks post abortion. I suspected my pregnancy four
weeks ago, so on my lunch hour from work I went to the pharmacy to buy a
home test. I went back to work and in the bathroom performed the test.
As I saw the plus sign appear I felt a mixture of excitement and fear. I am
currently engaged to the most wonderful man I have ever known. I am 29
years old, well educated and have an excellent job. I have two children
from a previous marriage and he has three. It is really hectic, so we
decided no more children. I always felt sad for this, not having a child
with a man I loved so much. So when that test was positive, I could just
picture this beautiful child with his curly hair and my big brown eyes! I
told him the following night (it took me that long to get up the nerve).
His only response was, "you know what to do." We went on to argue, and I
ended up leaving that night to stay with my family.
The entire next week was the exact same, endless fights. I cried more in that week than I have
in my entire lifetime. Finally eight days after that plus sign appeared,
I couldn't take it anymore. I told him I'd make an appointment for this
afternoon. I couldn't think straight from all the grief I had been
feeling. I hadn't eaten nor slept in eight days. My appointment was for
1:15 that afternoon. The worst part was the sonogram. I recall the
doctor saying, "there it is, looks like you're still early." My heart
sunk. The doctor had just seen my baby that was in a few minutes going to
be removed from my body. A few minutes later I was given a shot to
"relax" me. The rest was a blur. I recall crying hysterically and
yelling, "NO". In the recovery room, I just sat and cried. I couldn't
believe what I had just done. I had terminated a life that I wanted so
desperately.
I am still with my fiancé, and we are getting married in a
few months. I don't know
why we are still together after how he treated me and our child. Maybe by
looking at him everyday, I have a vision of what our child would have
looked like. He is a good person, and I love him. He had a vasectomy
last week. I am happy. I could never have a child by him and not feel
guilty for the child we terminated. I bought the most beautiful glass
angel as a memorial to my child, her name is Makaela Renee. I can look
at this and smile knowing that she is with God. I know God has forgiven
me, I still need to forgive myself. Healing takes time.
MRW@thegrid.net
Received May 27, 1998
I guess my story is really one of many of us out there. It feels good to
no
longer feel alone and be able to talk about it.
I had an abortion a few years ago, when I had just turned 18. I discovered
at the clinic that I was 12 1/2 weeks, not 8 as I had thought. When I felt
warm inside after seeing the little head and fists on the sonogram, I
should have known that I love children and I should have had the
confidence
to take on this responsibility. But I didn't. I didn't know the baby could
feel pain. I feel the pain for both of us now. The father didn't take any
responsibility. I had to pay for it, and he didn't even call to see if I
was okay. I haven't spoken to or seen him since. I still wonder why I did
it. I think I was really afraid of embarrassing my mom, who is a
valedictorian and got a full-ride scholarship to college, despite an
impoverished childhood and an alcoholic father; in contrast I had a
wonderful childhood.
Today, I am 22 years old and finally coming to terms with it. I am married
now, to a wonderful man. He is a loving father to our 22-month-old
daughter, and we are both excited about the baby due in October, who is
healthy. I am very devoted to my daughter and our unborn baby.
I am very lucky that I didn't get into alcohol or drugs after the
abortion.
I still punished myself though. I punished myself by flunking through
college. I should have graduated by now, and i should be earning good
money
to provide better for my family. I sometimes feel as if I have cheated
her,
not only of an older brother/sister, but of a more confident mom.
Sometimes
I worry whether my daughter is my "atonement baby". Maybe she is, but I
love her, and she means the world to me.
I stay home with my daughter, so we have lots of time together. My husband
goes to work all day every day, earning just enough money for us to rent a
small house in a very good neighborhood. ---And he is only 20 years old!
We
will have our second child before he is even 21, and he is a better father
than many 30-year-olds I know.
Our second baby was a surprise, but we are already rearranging the house
and picking out names. Our daughter is excited about being a big sister.
We
treasure every little kick we feel. This wonderful feeling is a stark
contrast to the fear and embarrassment I felt with my first pregnancy.
I think the way you feel about the father has a lot to do with the way you
feel about the baby. The most horrible thing about being a woman is the
fact that biologically and emotionally, you are often left to take
responsibility. I think if we picked men that would take more
responsibility, we wouldn't feel like abortion was our only choice. A
supportive mate is a must in a woman's life!
Regrets? Yes. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. But I will not cheat
my children out of the loving and confident mother that they deserve. What
I will do is spend the rest of my life trying to do things that benefit
children. I cannot change the decision I made. I will meet my poor first
baby in heaven someday. But I will love children, I will love MY children,
I will love myself, and I will love and forgive every woman who finds
herself in that position.
I wish I could put my arms around every woman facing an unexpected
pregnancy. I know that God already has. We live in a society that allows
pornography, rape and exploitation of women. We live in a society where
many hate women.
But God loves us. ALL of us!
Anonymous
Posted in my guestbook on January 19, 1998
Thanks for telling it like it is I to had an abortion. and I wish I would
have known the facts about it. I wish I had been brave ,and strong. I
thank God for helping me though the dark, dark days.
the hardest thing was not that God did not forgive me was that I had to
forgive my self
someone out there
Tammy's Story - received November 11, 1997
http://members.tripod.com/~heavenly_2/abortion.html
I have linked to her story on her web site with her permission. She can be
reached at innfam@msn.com
Vincenza's Story - received October 16, 1997
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Plains/3149/prolife/My_story.html
I have linked to her story on her web site with her permission
Michelle's story - received August 17, 1997
I remember the day all so well, my friends and I were
"laughing" in the bathroom trying to guess what color the
stick will turn out for each of us.
But behind the laughs, my heart was heavy and pounding
for this was no game, this was reality my LMP was beyond
"just late" and all that unprotected sex was now haunting me
I was 15 years old and when that little circle turned
blue, my world fell apart. I went to sleep that night fear
filled and tossed and turned all night long. This couldn't
happen and I wasn't going to let this be true.
You see, my life was over and so I had nothing to lose
my brain seemed unfunctional and nothing that night, I mean
nothing was going to stop me.
I stood on my bed, and I removed my curtain rods
I broke off the end and laid down on my bed, and with no
hesitance at all, I killed my baby, and almost myself.
After 11 days in the hospital, my parents took me home
and not one word was spoken about it, it was as if it never
happened.
I went on with life as usual, I told a few friends in
the beginning, seemed very proud of myself, it was cheap
and quick and got the job done.
I soon completely blocked it out of my memory, and in
less than one year I was pregnant again. By this time I knew
what to do, my boyfriend and I went to FPA and it was 350.00
and I would be put to sleep, and this wonderful "God Sent"
Doctor would make me unpregnant!
The abortion was legal and much safer than my first,
I went home, had some cramping, nausea, and some bleeding
and within 3 days I was again telling friends about the
wonderful "gift" of abortion.
This, I must admit happened two more times. A total
of 4 pregnancies in less than 3 years.
By the age of 17 I was drinking and smoking and within
one year I was addicted to Crack and pills. Drugs took away
the reality and the pain, of what I had done.
I became very involved in spreading the pro-choice
message to whomever I could and, really felt that there
was no regrets.
Getting clean and sober is another story, but during
a recovery therapy session, I broke down and for the first
time in all those years I revealed the pain and the
suffering of the murder of my 4 babies.
In a room with about 5 others I cried and screamed and
threw the pillows on the couch against the walls, It hurt
and it hurt bad. Years of hurt all hidden behind the mask
of evil.
I realized that is where everything stemmed from,
there was to be no recovery from the drugs, and no future
or no happiness, until I first dealt with the murder of
my children.....The first I killed with my own hands....
the other three I paid someone to kill for me...
Today I realize that nothing, absolutely nothing will
bring back those 4 innocent and precious babies to me, but
with my story, my love, and my support maybe, just one
babies life can be spared......
Abortion is an option to a life of Hell only!!!
There are other ways, I only wish that little girl with
her heart so heavy and scared that night 11 years ago,
could have had a peak into her future, just a small peek
and what a different choice she would have made.
Michelle shell_17@rocketmail.com
Tamara's story - received August 11, 1997
I am someone that can really relate to allot of what you have said and can
only pray that God knows how much I wish I had heard it all about 2 and a
half years ago. I had an abortion on January 25 of 1995. I am now 22
years old and will be 23 in October. I look back on what I have done and
I am extremely sorry for it. I have grown so much in the past couple of
years, its almost unreal.
It was early December and I had just recently become
engaged to a gentleman that I really in my heart knew wasn't right for me.
We found out I was pregnant and I was in a panic, I had no idea what to
do, or say or how to act. I wanted to talk to someone that would tell me
what to do, but everyone kept saying that it was my decision. I was never
offered professional counseling, or any form of counseling. My friends
and fiancé tried so hard to be supportive, and they really were. They
stood by my decision, but my fiancé knew what I should do, and really
made it clear that he wanted me to have an abortion.
I was raised in a Christian home and I knew that there was no way that I
would be able to handle an abortion, and at the same time, I knew I
couldn't handle having a baby. And I let myself be convinced that I
wouldn't be able to give the child up for adoption. It was so hard. I
made an appointment to go to the abortion clinic and I cancelled it. I
told my fiancé that it wasn't going to happen. And by New Years Eve, I
still wasn't drinking any alcohol, because I hadn't decided what I wanted
to do. Somehow, I convinced myself that I was going to be able to go
through with this and I made another appointment and I was driven 1 and
1/2 hours away to the place this was to occur and I was terrified!
I tried to get my fiancé to let us go home and not do this, but he was
convinced it was right and I thought it was too. I went in there and
nothing was said to me other than let me have your money and fill out this
paperwork. I didn't have anyone speak to me and no one took any time to
care. I went in the little room and started crying as the doctor began
working on me and he said to the nurse that I was scared of the
procedure, but truth be known, I didn't want this to be happening to me
and there was nothing I could do at this point...I don't know what made
me stay in there, and I wish and wish that I could erase those hours!
I went home with a sense of relief, and felt that relief for about a week
and then I was miserable, finally it seemed to stop hurting and I would
not think about it for awhile and then I broke up with my fiancé and
about 6 months after that, started dating a wonderful human being, he is
amazing and we are married now. That is when it really started to hit
me. At least a year after the actual event, I realized how miserable I
really was and how sad I really was. I wanted to erase time and go back
and change my horrible ways of thinking. I wanted to be a better person
and make better decisions...and that is when I started looking on the
internet at these kinds of pages, in hopes that someone could help me!
Unbelievably, there was one person, that wrote me a 2 sentence e-mail,
and it really has changed my life again! This person told me that God
has forgiven me and by not forgiving myself, I was acting as if I were
more important and a stronger decision maker than God. I know I am not,
and I know that God has forgiven me, and I know that I am truly sorry.
I love my husband and I wish I had been able to give him the opportunity
to love my child, but I know that in his heart, he loves that child as
much as I do, and that is something I am daily learning to live with.
I would love to be able to talk to anyone that wanted to talk about this,
before, or after the fact. I wish I could stop just one person from
making the mistake I made...keep one person from going through the guilt
and the hurt and the regret and the lack of self respect. It has taken
a long time, but I am starting to heal and I know that I am going to be
a great mother someday and maybe I will be able to help someone else
along the way.
Tamara L. Cosby tlcosby@ingr.com
August 09, 1997
I grew up during a time when abortion was illegal and not discussed
(the 50's and 60's). There was little talk in my family about abortion, as
premarital sex was not considered to be a lifestyle choice - and so
abortion
wouldn't be needed. There were very occasional stories about girls
who 'got themselves' pregnant (something I still can't figure out).
Most
often they got married early or left town for several months, returning
pale
and alone. Nothing was discussed about this, but I figured out this
was not a good thing.
Unfortunately, life and times took a turn. My father's early death
and the consequential devastation of my family collided with the Free Love
60's. I did 'get myself' pregnant. Abortion wasn't legal and the
adoption
counselor I talked to suggested (while saying she'd deny she ever said
this)
that I find a way to get an abortion.
All I'd heard about abortion was that it should be a woman's right, that
it was a better solution than a shotgun wedding or adoption, that it was
expensive. There was no commentary made about the emotional pain and
emptiness of a successful abortion, only articles and speeches about
the deaths of women who had illegal 'clothes hanger' abortions. I don't
think
women who'd had 'successful' abortions talked about them. Although
this was not something to brag about, no one ever expressed what I
think now was a significant need to mourn the loss and emptiness that came
along with an abortion.
The child's father and I traveled secretly to Montreal; we'd heard talk of
a doctor who did abortions, but we never found him. Another
connection found a group in Baltimore who offered abortions . When
I left for Baltimore, I had family support. The child's father
cried, as this was not his choice.
But I ended up having that baby and a shotgun wedding that didn't last
more
than a year. In the many years that have gone by I have had one abortion,
one miscarriage, one child out of wedlock and two while married.
After the abortion , which was legal, I knew I'd never have another one.
I knew what it did to me and agonized for years about what it had
done to the life and soul of my unborn child. That was the child who
changed my view on abortion, although I remained silent for years.
I became pregnant while not married, and working in a well
paying, high visibility job, much later in life. This baby's birth would alter my
career path, focus community attention on me and my lifestyle.
However,
I knew that abortion was not an option. Neither was marriage to the
child's father, and that of course made me think about how I had managed
to get myself - if not pregnant - then into such a predicament.
That was the child who and the situation that changed my view on speaking
out about abortion and changing my acceptance of my own and our societies
casual attitude about premarital sex. These issues are connected.
A
casual attitude about one supports a casual attitude about the other.
Many people laugh at me, to my face and behind my back, because I 'got
caught'.
My question to myself was - what was I doing having sex with someone I
wasn't
going to marry? What has this done to our child's life? For the adults
involved,
it is 'something that happened' late in life, an 'oops' baby. For
this
child, it is now the beginning of his story about how his life began.
I've not had one regret about having and raising my child, but I've had
many
about the child I so easily threw away, in the first trimester of
pregnancy
so many years ago.
It doesn't seem (to me) that there should be much of a question about
whether
or not abortion should be the choice for those who find themselves in an
embarrassing situation (pregnant and unmarried). Like any other taking of
life, such as the death penalty and murder. How much of a grey area
is there? It's all the taking of life.
Abortion has become socially acceptable as one 'solution' for an unplanned
pregnancy. It is assumed abortion is a woman's concern and a woman's
'right'
only. All too often it is treated as 'no big deal', an hour or two of
surgery,
a day of recovery and life goes on. Once a woman gets there, she may
find that a day is not enough time for recovery. Abortion is a big deal,
and has a lasting effect on those who experience it.
I have questions with no answers yet. For example, why do the
majority
of women who seek abortions find themselves pregnant inappropriately?
This
isn't an individual judgment of a woman, as much as it is a question about
our society? Why are we having sex before marriage? Is this the only
way we can 'get' a man? At what price? Why, then, doesn't
society
value the unmarried or married and childless woman? What happened to
adoption?
This leads me to more questions, sidebars really, about what happens to
the
children of women who don't tell the father they are pregnant until the
adopted
child is 2 or 3 years old? Where are the rights of the father in abortion?
In adoption? Where are the rights of the children?
And why are we sitting in the presence of our own children, laughing at
sit
coms that endorse relationships that can lead to this? Why do we
think
it is cool and necessary and our right to have sex before marriage,
between
marriages, or with other people's spouses?
We need to look at why abortions are needed in this country. What are we
teaching our children about sex? What are we accepting for ourselves? What
does choosing abortion do to one's body and soul? Are you pro-life or
pro-choice? Can you be pro-life in practice,
beliefs and spiritual understanding, while maintaining a political stance
of pro-choice?
You have to answer those questions for yourself. I struggled not to
answer them for years, saying it was none of my business what other people
did. But our children, our friends, neighbors and others follow the
examples that are set.
Received August 04, 1997 - Jenny's Story
As we grow and mature, we as parents hope and pray, that by the grace
of God, our children will not make the same mistakes we made.
At 37, I should have known better. After all, wasn't I once the one
to accompany a friend to a clinic? Now here I sat, terrified to leave a
building where I would be confronted with pictures and posters of what I
was about to condemn my little one to. And me - a loving mother of two,
with two stepchildren - couldn't I make room in my heart for just one
more?
How did this happen? Wasn't I paying attention? Isn't this what we
caution our adolescent daughters and sons about? "Wait till you're
married." (We were going to be married in two months.) "Make sure you
love him." (I do love him. And his children. Sometimes, I love his
children more than him!) "Be responsible." (Looking back, I am
responsible. For everything.)
|
He must have known, because when I
came downstairs, he said, 'You better not
tell me that you're pregnant!', and proceeded to storm around the house
and yell and scream about how unfair life was to him. What about me? What
about our baby? |
When I looked at the blue line on the home pregnancy test, my heart
soared and sunk at the same time. My soon-to-be-husband made it all too
clear from the get-go that there would be no children. After all, he had
raised his children single-handedly. It would be difficult enough
blending our two families, and quite a financial strain as it was - all
four will be in college at the same time.....but I was so happy!! Maybe
he would love this child. This baby who would be born as a result of our
love. |
He must have known, because when I came downstairs, he said, "You
better not tell me that you're pregnant!", and proceeded to storm around
the house and yell and scream about how unfair life was to him. What
about me? What about our baby?
I knew, or thought I knew, what I had to do. I needed to be alone.
I jumped on my bike and rode off to the school ground. It was a warm,
sunny, September afternoon. As I rode through the fields of clover, tears
streaming down my face, I cried silently to my baby, apologizing to her
for what I was going to do. I looked down, and by my front tire was a
beautiful Monarch butterfly with vibrant orange and black patterns across
her delicate wings. The butterfly rose and flew around my bike, circling
higher and higher, and I followed her up to the sky with tearful eyes,
watching her disappear against the deep, blue sky.
I know where you're going. You're going home. You are my baby,
and you are going to Heaven. I'm sorry that I'm sending you there so
soon. It isn't your time yet. You have puppies to play with, and
merry-go-rounds to ride, balloons to chase, and spelling quizzes to take.
You deserve a chance, but I can't bring you into a life where I know your
dad doesn't want you. I know what it's like to feel unwanted. I can't do
that to you. I'm so sorry.
The next few weeks were a blur of tears, and appointments, ("We'll
see you on Tuesday morning. Bring your insurance card, and don't eat
anything.").... sonograms ("See that flickering? That's your baby's
heart.").... and mis-information ("I think Depo-Provera will work nicely
on you. After all, we don't want this to happen again.!"...... "There
are many Catholics who think abortion is an acceptable practice. Here's a
pamphlet written by Pro-Choice Catholics!!").....and of course, the
biggest piece of mis-information ("You might feel a little blue for a
couple of days.")
Three years later, I'm still waiting to feel the warmth of the sun
again. I think about Jenny - my butterfly - whose heart I watched
flickering on that screen. The heart that I stopped. Because I couldn't
accept responsibility for my actions. Because I couldn't stand up to the
man I loved and say, "We both have rights. This is what I want. I want
our baby."
When someone tells you that you have a choice, they are correct.
Where they err, is in telling you that choosing to end a life is one of
your choices.
Lauren's Story - received June, 1997
I had an abortion about 3 months ago. it was the most emotionally
draining experience I have ever been put through. I have been going
through phases of self pity and regret ever since.
I had found out I was pregnant at two weeks, which meant I would have to
wait until at least five weeks to have an abortion. I was the youngest
one there, at 17. I never put the fact that I was pregnant and the fact
that I had a living thing inside me together until I had had the
abortion. Now I regret it so much. I want to be pregnant again, but i
know that it wont improve my empty feelings in the long term. I am
seeking a post abortion recovery group in my area now, and hopefully my
life will improve.
thank you
Lauren
Melanie's Story - received May, 1997
Fifteen years ago I had an abortion. Although I am now a happily
married woman with two children, ages 10 and 11, I have carried this
deep dark secret up until the last year and a half. Upon sharing this
information through various outlets - writing, picketing, etc., I have
found that I am not alone in the pain and heartbreak this so-called
simple procedure has brought to my life. What began as "freedom of
choice" has resulted into the emotional bondage guilt (over taking my
child's life), sense of loss, and regret abortion often brings. As
difficult as it is, I have chosen to share my experience with anyone who
will listen since those involved in the abortion industry refuse to
fully address the physical and emotional consequences of terminating a
pregnancy.
As much as I would like to see abortion illegal, and abortionists
regarded
as criminals (murderers), in my opinion, it would be much more
effective to inform women as to all the in's and out's of this terrible
procedure so they will realize that abortion is not a viable solution to
an untimely pregnancy. Before we can change minds, we must change
hearts.
In my early 20's I was exclusively dating a young man who I assumed I
would marry. For whatever reason we engaged in unprotected sex - not
really thinking about the chance of pregnancy. Shortly afterwards, I
discovered I was pregnant. My emotions were mixed - excited, scared,
not certain where to turn. When my boyfriend immediately suggested
abortion, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. But it was too late to
turn back the hands of time.
I wanted to keep my baby, but I felt it would be realistically impossible.
I was immature for my age, wasn't married, and was barely able to afford
the small apartment I rented. During this time, no one, not mother,
father, friends, nor the staff at the clinic where I had my pregnancy
test offered me any options. Everyone seemed to agree that abortion
would be the best answer to this dilemma.
I can vividly recall the day I killed my baby. The clinic was very
quiet with the exception of the staff who were carrying out their
duties. I was placed in a room with about 12 other young women, most
under age 20. A "counselor" explained to us in very brief detail what
would soon happen. She used words like "uterine contents" and "wastes
expelling," but never once used the word "baby." Today, I now know that
the well-chosen terminology is intentional. All the girls were then
given a pill which was said to be a low-dose muscle relaxant.
When it was my turn, I was instructed to lay on the examining table with
my legs placed high up in stirrups. Since I had never had any type of
gynecological examination before, I was so scared that my legs were
shaking. The abortionist examined me internally and informed me that I
was farther off than what I had calculated. I was three months
pregnant.
Without any type of pain medication the abortionist began to insert
various medical instruments inside me. I felt an uncomfortable tugging
and prodding. I have since learned that this tugging etc. is the
abortionist severing the limbs of the baby. He then inserted another
instrument which sounded like a small vacuum cleaner. When I looked to
the side I could see a yellowish substance tinged with red flowing
through the suction device and into a clear container. This was the
remains of my baby. This followed more scrapping which was very
painful. From what I understand, the abortionist must be very careful
not to leave any fragments of the fetus behind as this could cause
infection or other serious complications.
I was told to expect a little spotting for a few days after the
abortion, but I bled like a regular period for several weeks. I also
became anemic from the loss of blood, but was too ashamed to go back to
the clinic.
Eventually the bleeding stopped, as did the pain -emotional and
physical. I put the abortion behind me (or so I thought), and got on
with my life.
|
"Our society has been greatly deceived into tolerating abortion because
we have bought into the lies which the abortion industry has propagated.
One of these lies are that a woman's right to choose is more important
than a child's right to live" |
For many years, I erased the memory of the abortion until
it crept back
into my life when I gave birth to my 'other' children. I looked down at
their tiny faces - so innocent and trusting, and I couldn't believe what
I had done to my 'other child.' Here were two little babies that were
perfectly formed. When they were in my womb, I felt them kick and
squirm. They were alive! Not a tiny clump of cells as I was led to
believe, but a baby! A living, breathing, thinking, and feeling baby!
|
Living with the pain of knowing that I choose to end my first child's
life, is nothing compared to the sense of loss. I wonder if my aborted
child was a boy or girl. What would he or she now look like? What type
of personality would he/she have? Strangely, the same love that I have
for my two (living) children is the same love I will always carry for
the child I aborted.
As a result of my Christian faith, I have dealt with the moral and
spiritual ramifications of my past abortion. The emotions I probably
will always carry have nothing to do with lack of forgiveness, but a
maternal instinct of sorts. A type of bond between mother and child
that not even death (abortion) can erase. The scars of abortion are
real and lasting. Clearly, there are two victims in this gruesome
procedure.
Today, I am involved in the pro-life movement, not to condemn, but to
inform and speak for those who have no voice - the babies. Even though
many high schools speak openly on homosexuality, sexual relationships,
even some distributing free condoms, most will never discuss abortion
and it's effects - not only to the fetus, but to the mother. I feel
our society has been greatly deceived into tolerating abortion because
we have bought into the lies which the abortion industry has propagated.
One of these lies are that a woman's right to choose is more important
than a child's right to live.
I find this philosophy quite interesting since the abortion industry
does everything in it's power to withhold information from women so
those in a 'crisis pregnancy' are not made aware of choices which
preserve life as adoption, financial assistance and the like. But then
again, that only makes sense since there is no money to be made by the
abortionist in preserving life - only in destroying it.
Melanie Schurr rightldy@webtv.net
Melanie's Home Page
Received
January 1997
I read your views with abortion with interest and I must
say you raise many valid points. I had an abortion about three years ago
and to this day count it as among
one of the most horrible experiences of my life. My boyfriend (now my
husband) was all for the abortion for valid financial reasons, but for
reasons of the heart I felt as though I could not go through with it. Yet
I did, for fear of what would become of myself and my baby if I did not.
Your contention that the male doctors performing abortions are not
feminists, in my experience, was right on the money. During the procedure
I began to cry and throw up from the pain. The doctor,
whom had been paid
$350 for his services before I even entered the waiting room, called me a
bitch. I'll never forget how physically and emotionally empty I
felt after I left that place. |
"The baby you rid yourself of is so light in comparison to the stone you
will carry in your heart." |
I tried for months to hide
my pain my feeding myself on the feminist
dogma
that has been so trumpeted in this society. I had exercised my choice. I
had made myself independent of a "problem pregnancy". If that was true why
did I hurt so badly? My pain did not come from religious convictions ; I
am not a Christian. Rather, the pain came from knowing that no matter how
hard I tried to lie to myself I would someday have to face what I had
done. | | My relationship with my partner survived, although we
were yet to face
the
resentment I felt towards him for his influence in my decision to abort
the baby. We found out in April of 96 that I was again pregnant and since
we were already engaged we moved our wedding up to June. It was a joyous
occasion preceding a tragic event which would finally force both of us to
face the painful decision we had previously made.
On June 26 we went for our first ultrasound. I was 11 weeks pregnant and
we were both excited. However, what we saw on the screen was not what had
been expected. The baby was only measuring eight weeks in size and was
still. I knew it was dead.
Once again I tried to be strong, even as nine days after the bad news I
miscarried naturally. However, I didn't escape that easily. Even as I
assured my family and midwives that I was fine physically I crashed. I
suffered an infection which was followed by a case of pneumonia. Holding
my grief in was taking a physical toll on what had previously been a
healthy 30 year old body. My midwife, a wonderful person and firm believer
in holistic medicine, recognized my physical symptoms as unmanifested
grief and gave me a book called "Ended Beginnings" which deals with
pregnancy loss, including abortion. The book addressed the after-effects
of miscarriage and abortion and for the first time I allowed myself to
completely feel what I had denied myself for so long. I cried for days for
both my babies and asked the one I had aborted for forgiveness. I do
believe in the human spirit and I do believe that my babies both know I
love them.
My husband was soon forced to face the reality my pain and thus face his
own demons. We had a horrible confrontation in which I asked him what the
difference was between the miscarried baby he cried over and the aborted
baby he never mentioned. He replied that he only allowed himself to grieve
for the miscarried baby because it was "wanted". I was crushed. Both
babies
were real to me; both losses were significant. I needed my husband to
dignify both babies before I could be at peace. I needed their daddy to
love them both before I could put them at rest. I told him this, just as I
am telling you now, and in its simplicity the message hit home with him.
We
were able to grieve together for both children, as both children
deserved.
Am I against a woman's right to choose? I can't say that I could take
that
choice away from someone else but if I had to talk to a woman facing the
abortion decision I would tell her, from my own experience, not to do it.
The baby you rid yourself of is so light in comparison to the stone you
will carry in your heart. I know because I've been there. The difference
between me and the feminists is that they won't tell you. But I will.
I am now 14 weeks pregnant. We heart the baby's heartbeat Thursday and are
daily thankful for another chance. I have three children from a previous
marriage who look forward to being big sister and big brothers. Yet even
as
I bring this child into the world I will hold all my children - all six of
them - in my heart.
Thanks for hearing my story. |
Received in 1996
"Your views were very thought provoking to me. I only wish
I had them to read 14 years ago when I had my abortion. I can't begin to
tell you of the sorrow I felt almost immediately. It has been a sorrow
that has stayed
with me all this time - one that will never leave me. But we never hear
from women such as myself -- we need to speak out but it takes a lot of
courage for me to even speak the word abortion. Just writing this message
to you makes me nervous. Maybe soon I will start to speak out. I guess I
never wanted to condemn the act as I would be condemning myself. I just
wanted to share this with you."
